CURSED LIFE

The suicide of a wife, educated enough (doctor by profession @ AIIMS), of a man leads to much pondering into the functioning of our country. Many articles are written here and there in newspapers, activists voice out their angst against forced marriage, feminists call it unruly and coward incident blaming the man, society shuns him away, and the whole India is talking about what is the way out. Victims of such marital relationships gave their voices in different ways. many solutions raise, some questions the law, some the tradition, some the family, some the couple and some the individuals. 

My take:

Its disheartening to see a bright woman, educated, economically independent, respected, has to take a drastic step of DEATH. as if thats the only solution. But when does such a thought overrules rationality in morbid way, mortality seems to be just a insignificant thing in front of DEATH. If you think once, do we all have courage to die? i don't think we can easily adorn that and accept it. We need to be consciously take the decision at a crux when mortal life seems futile effortless. This mental struggle between DEATH and LIFE is a flimsy thread, almost like a hymen. Socio-religiously and culturally the purity of life is controlled with ethics and morality of religious dogmas. So neither life nor death is in our hands. Can we predict it? Of course not and never! No science can experiment and say, "Ok Himadri you will die in 2050 on a Wednesday at such a month while making love with your partner." But very interestingly, this thought will be imbedded in my mind in such way, that probably I will never have sex on 2050 Wednesdays, none of them. "Na Baba I don't want to die!" How ridiculous, who ever thought that the doctor would die this way. Have we ever pondered the trauma of being trapped in such a marriage?

Entrapment is for both the woman and the man. The woman made a wise decision to kill herself and let the man suffer throughout his life because of his CLOSETED SEXUAL IDENTITY. I feel empathetic towards such women who think they are learned and can guess a man's sexual orientation by just meeting once or twice. Probably the victim also underwent such presumptions and happily agreed for such endowment of "LOVE". As the marital relationship begins, reality about the man unveils one after the other. She couldn't share that problem with anyone not a single human being, a family member or a friend. How strange! We all say today we have so many friends and when problems regarding sexual lives in marriages come, why do we all tend to behave typically like a patriarchal human being? SEX is not supposed to be discussed thats what ETHICS and MORALITY taught us. So she is left alone, suffering to the extremes, mental blanaces being ruined with TO BE OR NOT TO BE. May be if I am a true feminist I would say "She should have taken divorce. And if really wanted to give the man the right lesson file it against such IPCs that she will be compensated with enough money. 

But unfortunately everyone is not captialist or money minded, many still are human beings have emotions. How cursed she would have felt that she cannot be the right partner for him after many days of marriage? How can she take a divorce from such a husband who at least once have been loving and caring? Then the only doors for her was to greet death with happiness, but before that she wanted to burst her heart out about the lacuna of the relationship. And for that as she didn't have any friend, she used the most common platform --Social networking site FACEBOOK to tell her virtual friends at least. 

Now the man! How do we judge him? By profession? By perosnal? By what? If viewed from outside, he is a gentle human being, a doctor, he is obedient son, as he obeyed my parents and married a girl, a warming friend as all his friends were happy that he married a woman.. How sad! Yes he proved himself, being a good son, a best friend, but where was the REAL him? He was GAY or not that is something still can't come into terms. Our society has decided that anything beyond ETHICS and MORA:LITY under the jurisdiction of RELIGION is UNNATURAL and ABNORMAL. And this is were the answer to all the problems lie. He can never say that patting his chest "YES I AM GAY". Imagine then! it would be worse fight than we see in GAME OF THRONES. So he preferred to remain silent and thought to avoid it. But when he comes out to one of the family tree, what happens, he will be taken to psychiatrists to get cured, or some YOGI or Tantric baba to find out remedies for becooming NORMAL...

Hats off to those parents who can't see the happineess of their child. First impose their desires on them --by compelling him to take up career as per their choice DOCTORS and ENGINEERS...and if less intelligent in getting marks then CA or CS...and if that also doesnt work, then CIVILS... 

Why? Com'on guys! we don't have any other profession that would give Crores of money when matrimonial alliances will be negotitaed. Afterall the parents have spent so much of money to bring up the son, and if that doesn't come out fruitfully, then think. So many sons in this country are always mentally tortutred, traumatised by tantrums of parents for giving them food and shelter. He starts cursing himself. Forgets his Sexual orientation even. he keeps quiet. Cannot utter his pain out. Life In a closet is like living in SERPENT's NEST. Then when time comes, he is been kept on a podium for selling to a bride's family. Thinking that marriage can CURE his sexual orientation. Many gay men runs away, many do commit suicide. And for Bisexuals, oh god! they are doubly victimised. gay men tend to blame them frequently. Curse them. He lives a dual life and hangs his emotions in DWAITAY. So he himself also thinks that probably marrying a girl would help.But deep down his love for men erupts out somewhere. He hides them and conitunues his life. But this doesn't run smoothly, he is always boggle up with a phobia of being caught. And if cuaght, what happens --in some cases it does, but many cases it ruptures, destroys him. He is left nowhere, the trauma turns out to be so destructive that many a times he also commits suicide.

Cursed life has become the lives of human beings, citizens of this country. Where social sanctity is not there, legal recognition is not there, family acceptance is not there, friends respect is not there, where would one go. Is this patrirachy? Rubbish, Its religious Dogmas and the lessons of ETHICS and MORALITY that has been impinged into our blood for generations. Why this case, Inter-Caste marriage, Inter-religious marriages, Live-in Partners, all are looked down upon. Where is this country leading to CURSED Doomsday.

FREE-DOOM: That's Law of the Land

That's not an error. Its deliberate and has a purpose. Basically its about freedom of life.

These days a lots of hullabaloo about freedom of human life in a country like India.

So I thought to jot down my point of view. What is freedom after all? Liberty? Independence? Confusing! Don't know what to say - the exact meaning of it. But yes, I can try to explain it my way. 

When I came to this world, I was born naturally and became free of that enclosed, secured place of my Maa's womb. As the light of physicql world touched me, I cried, as if it was burning my freedom. My womb cried, as she heard me crying. But her touch was what made me feel more safe than the physical world around. Gradually when I went to school, I run after my Maa, because I felt my freedom is leaving me. But the prison cell of school was so strong that I had to howl for 14 years. To shed of those disciplines of life, those same uniformed and strategies of temporal claustrophobia, I howled and screamed. But amidst all these, I learnt the true meaning of life, of existence. Friends taught me lessons, teachers thought me rules, and frenemies taught me the real meaning of freedom. Burdening myself with many ideas and principles, I shed off the disciplinarian life. Uff! I was out of the prison cell to breathe free. I wore whatever I wanted to, I did whatever my heart desired, I experienced whatever my mind decided. I had freedom to choose. I developed a libertine attitude. I thought I am independent.

Broke the norms of familyhood by returning home late evening, bringing friends into my safest place (home) and spend time with them, and I thought I had liberty of choice. But it clashed with the regulations of society when I declared myself that I am in love with my own sex friend. Sky had fallen down, a spectre of doomsday occured --all those whom I considered friends and family thought I had taken too much of liberty and misutilised my freedom. I couldn't make them realise that love for me is equal proportion of heart, mind and soul. But I was made to believe my notion is wrong, cause it doesn't fit into the structure of pre-conceived existence of life. I was tagged as 'rebel', 'radical', and more grossly 'abnormal'.

The fingers which fondled my hairs once, the palms which cupped me whenever I cried, the touch of divine affection --my Maa --made me feel safe, as she stood beside me and my love. I understood the true meaning of freedom. Tears of blood flowed amongst bloodline lineage, clashing of reality and radicalism occured, thoughts of my own people opposed my belief. Still I felt realxed as maternal blessings were there for me and my lover. But deep down somehwere still I felt, probably economic independence is most imporatnt to make all choices free for all.

Today when I stand and look back, the tides of time leaves the marks of the memories that perished into sand. I was wrong. Because there is no freedom if we take everyone into consideration. the very thought gets entrapped into a shutter island and is doomed. Being economically independent also couldn't make me, feel and breathe free. Because everyone around talks of "law of the land".

Now as a layman to legal jurisprudence, I couldn't find the exact meaning of "law of the land". Legal books describe pages after pages, volumes after volumes are written to make the mere words 'freedom' and 'existence' complicated. Human life changed from liberalised phase to neo-liberalised one, then from neo-liberalised to -post-neo-liberalised one, as sexual roles camouflaged. Women got eduacted, became economically independent, while men learnt the household chores. Beauty became synonymous to gender equality --both men and women are concerned about their outward portrayals, basically their mere physcial appearances. I thought yes now we all are free of many things and "law of the land" is with us.

But still many dictations are flowing under carpet creating a psychological trauma, sociological gimmick, political tool and physiological character. Why? Simply because "law of the land" doesn't allow these. Life became stressful and gradually it is increasing, because everyone is running to conquer time, as a sheer inhibition that if time is under our control the "law of the land" is with us. All erudites fail to decipher the "law of the land" -- Lawyers doesn't know how does a society functions, engineers couldn't find out any remedy to swine flu, doctors couldn't know the legal meaning of Section 66(A), or 377, or 498, professors couldn't deliver a lecture of how one single party gets a majority and wins elections. But amidst these the only knowledge that one trusts is the protectors of religious dogmas. So when freedom is standing in the witness box for a judgement, lawyers would give life time imprisonment, engineers would energise to produce more heat, light and electricity through all optic fibres and softwares it has, while doctors would inject a cynide into the blood, professors would lecture him about theorists and philosophies, and the rest of the people present in the courtroom would judge him as against ethics and morality. The judge --that is me --don't still know what judgement should I declare cause I have no evidence against human life and its mere existence, human life and its freedom. 

Pathetic! Disgusting! Isn't it then that "law of the land" is same for all? Then why freedom for some and shutter islands for some? Why some become foreingers being from the same country? Why 'love' doesn't have a universal definition in a multi-diversity country like mine? Why people have to raise their voices against mere existence? Why people have to protest for freedom?

Hasn't our life become doomed? Are we really free? Or still under some _________ Raj?

Hug Thyself

A sense of denial is always what prompts people to escape. But escape where? Our society is so much intertwined that if you run from one door, you will land up knocking a wrong door. This probably is more perilous and turbulent than accepting what is under our control.

Yes, you are right I am talking about the complexes of majority and minority, rather superiority and inferiority. Very intersetingly both this characteristics lie within us. one comes out when the other is dormant. We tend to behave recklessly and shrwedly and expect the other person to follow the dictum that we prescribe. Majoritarians relinquish their power of control through numbers and decide terms and conditions for the minority, while the minority suppresses their sense of denial, and act vulnerable or rather a sense of accepatnce validates the majoritarian's dikatat. 

These days a growing tendency  of sense of denial is rising rapidly. Probably this denial leads to people getting together faster and form a majority. Thus landing up with no place for acceptance. We are always running as if time is short. How do we presume time is short? Time can never be short, it is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and 365 days a year. How do we presume then time is short? Why are we all trying to overrule this fact as if our time is short? A sense of accepting this bare fact in everyone's mind boggles up in such a manner that, all of us try to deny that we have plenty of time in our hand. For instance, say Mr. X wants to be rich and famous by 25, he does everything to become rich if not famous. He accumulates enough wealth and fullfil his mortal post-modern desires of a big bunglow and fleet of cars. He marries at the right time, has kid, but still he isn't happy. He thinks he has less, a sense of denial runs in his mind is such frames that he projects he doesn't have enough.. So Mr. X starts working harder to become famous, by the time, he becomes famous, his child is already in college and his wife's beauty has started wrinkling. The day he realises his sense of denial and have been escaping from many things, his sense of acceptance becomes so brutal that he feels he is left alone. I presume that's where Mr. X believes 'If you reach the summit, you will be left alone'.

Interestingly, the majority of us are like Mr. X, the sense of denial of what we have is so strong that the sense of accepting what we have can overpower it. By the time, the sense of accepting comes to us, we try to rewind and re-start from the beginning and re-structure our priorities.like Mr. X. Can we? Think again, that's not mortal capabilities are made for. Mortality will overrule your mere existence if you try to deny something precious and accept something materialistically exclusive. Matrials can be bought, but desiring a better one strangulates the hope of happiness inside your soul. We can never escape anywhere from this bare truth. 

Just turn back once, as it is an International Hugs Day, hug the one you feel precious more than clinging on to your computer monitor or laptop, or fiddling with pads and smartphones. Hug yourself first, that's more important. Then accept the one that you have denied for so long. Be patient to your heartbeats, tolerant to your mind, and perseverant to your soul, we can see many things that we overlooked for years. If someone has hurt you, and you aren't in touch, just leave an email saying 'sorry' works wonders. You will accept something you have denied.for long. 

No I am not here to promote anything or preach anything, I just felt like talking something to my friends whom probably I haven't kept in touch for long, hugged them for a longer time. A sense of denial has always been in my mind, probably in form of majoritatrian's trait, as all of us do, I felt I haven't touched the chilled dew drops on the leaves of the garden, stared at the rising orange ball, feeling the droplets of fog on my naked arms, heard the birds chirruping around, taken the fragrance of the used clothes of the person I love most, and many more things which I have been denying. No I wasn't escaping, nor trying to control time, I was just brooding, pondering a bit about life at large. Are we all the same? If so, then where is our innocence gone? Why do we always try to pretend to be busy? Why don't we care for the fellow passenger on public conveyances? Is playing Candy Crush so important that we lost our humane touch? 

Think, just once, about what is written here. Its not spiritual lecture, or a sermon preaching; it's simple about simplicity and tranquility in smaller things. It's about finding peace and serenity, it's about accepting things we deny, its about everybody whether minority or majority, it's about us ---the human being.

Return of Kindergarten Innocence

Sometimes it makes me wonder, am I really surrounded by people who wants the best for me? I have always felt that yes, I have those people on whose lap i can lay my tired head and sleep at ease, drag them to watch films which I like, argue on Chinese and Continental cuisines, on the middle of the night call them just to say 'I was missing you' or 'I just saw you in my dreams', scold them for spending money unnecessarily, barge into their office just to hug and say 'Felt like having lunch with you', disturb their daily schedule just to get wet in the summer rains, and probably what not. But these small memories make my life such divinely blissful that I woke up every morning and smile to God and say, 'Thank you so much for giving me such friends'. 
I still remember few weeks I went to one of my friend's office and he was busy in some board meeting, making some presentations. His secretary tried to stop me from entering his office, but I didn't pay any attention to her and opened the door. Every naked eyes stared at me with such abhorrence that made me felt I wasn't welcomed there at all. But my friend not caring anything  came forward, said with smile, 'Thank god, you came. I was praying to see your face.' And without a thought, hugged me tightly asking to wait for half an hour in his room. I felt so touched.
Similarly few weeks back and dragged one of my very good friend to see Paan Singh Tomar with me, but he was insisting on Houseful2. I said, 'Ok first Paan Singh then Houseful', he agreed after a such argument. everyone there thought we were a couple that argued like this. So we saw both, but after Paan Singh, she smiled, 'I dont know somehow you are always right, whenever movies are there. At least you are there, otherwise who would have tolerated like this.' And we laughed at each other on a cafe and paint each other with chocolate pastries instead of eating them.
And last week, one of my friend had come from Kolkata, I pondered if he could go to his guest house without being cheated by the cabbies or the auto-rickshawallahs. Without any thought, I detoured my way, picked him up and dropped him to his guest house, got his work done and left for my work. While returning, I was still thinking, did I do it right or not. But when sms-ed me, a smile came up reflexively, he wrote, 'At least care is still there in this world. Thought who cares in this big metropolitan, but least there are people who can go far with you for making your life easy.'
How strange! People you live with, people whom you work with, people whom you surround, can't even re-liven that innocence in you, bring out the kindergarten tranquility in your heart. I dont say that I can do that, but my friends and people around me do that without even a second thought. 
That's why I thought of penning them somewhere so that the whole world knows people still can love without expecting anything in return. After all we are human beings, and humanity had thrived for just caring love.  

Nirvana in Knowledge: A Sense of Pride

Lots of friends were flooding my mail box asking for some new writing on my blog. I couldn’t convince that I’m not a typical blogger who keeps on adding something or rather and wait for responses. Their pestering and nagging nature sometimes compel me to jot down some thought which I don’t give the tinge of my creative writing. I ponder on their thoughts a lot as they matter to me as a writer. One such thought emerged recently. Let me discuss that with you guys.

Just couple of days back, I attended an international conference and as everyone would conclude that this must be filled up with jargons, bombastic words, complex theories, which may OHT to most of the people who attend there as just observers. OHT…oh sorry…Dear its not the transparent papers you’re thinking about. It’s a typical jargon used by most of the students –Over-Head Transmission, which simply means, a student purging his lips and questioning, ‘What’s that?’ As expected, the participants were all academicians, research scholars, social scientists, in one word ‘Erudites’. Please now don’t categorize me in that ‘Erudite’…To be modest, I’m on the process of learning. So can’t be in the group of intelligentsia.

Anyway, the point I want to make is simple, this conference have strengthen my thought of ‘the more learned you are the more intolerant you become’. My Maa use to teach me that a human is like a tree however high one grows, one can never touch the sky, nor can one leave the ground. So be happy with what you can do. These words resonated in my boggling mind.

Probably when the erudites argue they puke out suppressed anger in form of verbal utterances, which would be on high decibels probably might not sound like educated people arguing, it would be more like arguments with your maids or the driver. One doesn’t even hesitate to hue the angst with personal remarks. It sounds to me like people attending an Indian marriage and saying white lies on the hosts’ faces and later bitching around that ‘this was bad’, ‘that was awful’, and so on.

One thought that stroke me was the reluctance of accepting the ‘other’ becomes more difficult with the enhancement of knowledge. Does that mean then, the psyche also envelopes with increase of knowledge? I probably don’t have an answer for that but yes, sometimes I feel that the sense of eradication of tolerance is directly proportional to enhancement of knowledge, and that’s may be the most prominent reason that we tend to develop an attitude of superiority and a sense of pride in our trait. Beside that there are other socio-economic structural and paradigmatic schemes that germinate the seed of schism inside us. Than my question ultimately comes up, is being highly educated better than being just literate and tolerant? I don’t know, you guys may have an answer to that. 

Sanctum of the Today's Society

Last Monday i was having the glance with Eagle's eye from the Terrace of the Academic block where my chamber is situated and basking in the crispy sun, i pondered about the clashes that quite often takes in the working environment. Believe me guys its sometimes fun to watch all these...
Let me talk about my working ethos. We all are familiar with the historical pages of India written that educational institute are supposed to be the Sanctum of the society and the teachers' staff room is the Sanctum Sanctorium...I dont know whether I ever got an opportunity to visit the Sanctum Sanctorium or not in my previous births...But in this life when I grew up..I borne a feeling that teachers are still my gurus and all elderly people working in my school, college and university are people of dignity and respect...

But things changed when I entered the profession...I got a chance to be always in the Sanctum Sanctorium...I felt lucky and fortunate that I accomplished my childhood dream...Soon the reality of the Sanctum came in front of me...Let me say here that I started my career with conventional university...

It was a shocking surprise that the people who worked for the Sanctum to run smoothly was considered to be like an outcast...I thought may be the orthodox caste system still there...the teachers were the Brahmins...the students the Kshatriyas...their parents  are the Vaishyas...and the Administrative staff are the Shudras...That was probably the reason the other three castes are welcomed and greeted with love in the Sanctum but the lowest caste was blasphemous for everyone...all the other castes blamed them for every wrong things...soon I was also penetrated with this diseased thought and became a victim...But let me confess here, that at the back of all these castes I still hold them with the same dignity I had in my childhood...So my relationship with them was of a different kind...

Now let me say that within each castes there were always clashes...Professional Egos prevailed there... Power dynamics became more vigorous and visualized with clarity to every human eye...How strange! Administrative people fought amongst themselves, Parents fought with each other, students fought with others and last but not the least teachers fought amongst themselves...Reason! You will laugh if you know it...Its just ENVY and PRIDE...but of what? also varied differently...

Lets start from the top...Teachers...Permanent ones overpower the other (ad-hocs and guests) and look at them with an eye of Insignificance... permanents think that they are intellectually weak and so have no rights to be sitting with them...whereas the other thinks that the Permanents are proud of their stability...

Now the students...there is always a clash of their ideologies...if one is close to the upper caste they are considered to be a shadow...thus identities struggle amongst them...and the trait is is always noticeable is Competition...

Now the third...the parents...oh god! all kinds and varieties are seen...some want to be attached to the top caste...and the other to the other caste, that is always taking care what the students or classmates doing and trying to impose the same upon their child...Poor students -pressure from all corners make their lives miserable...

Last category...oh god...the boss of the institute is considered nothing less than God...rather the Priest of the Sanctum...so their touch even gives them piety...and all the others are thought to be of no use...

If any lay man enters this Sanctum..the person will have a glance of the Ancient caste system staunchly followed...

But today when I moved out of the conventional educational system and came to Distance learning system, I could visualize a demarcating change here...Very interestingly no caste system existed here...a different form of power dynamics run through it...What! No brahmins and No shudras..nor vaishyas nor khasytriyas....only two existed like in capitalist or in simple words like those medieval period of Indian history saw Feudal lords and the poor ruled class...but as now its an independent India...people dont have that kinda society but in their psychological world they still existed in that pattern...

Yeah, doesn't it sound strange? Yes it was on the onset I was really taken aback...But soon realized that it has to be like this...Let me put it this way...

The teachers think they are the backbone of the university...the administration thinks they are the rest of the skeleton...But amidst these they all fail to look that a skeleton doesn't complete a human body...one needs some vital organs and of course the flesh and blood...if I see my organisation...it looks like the vital organisations are the different heads of the several divisions within the system who are called in its own way as Academicians...The flesh is the students who gives the look of the university...and the bloodline is the study material which are basically prepared for the flesh....

Now if my organization is a human body, we need each part to be there for the body to function well and healthily...But certain clashes amongst anyone would create the body to be diseased and would require medicines and doctors...if the vital organs stop functioning then there wouldn't be any blood running in the body, if the backbone refuses to support the body, the body would lose its capability to be the intelligent vertebrate among all animals...and if the skeleton thinks that we dont want to be with the other body parts, then it would look like a ghost in the darkness...and if bloods are not there than the mere existence of the human body would perish...henceforth, all parts have to work with each other to let the body be healthy and fit....

so that whosoever is part of this body, would really feel that yes we still have Sanctum in this country were piousness and consecration are done on time...Why look down upon the other in such manner? Can't all prove themselves to be the Intelligent Vertebrate among all animal kingdom? Or still we exist in pre-historic era with Darwinistic approach of SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST and try to perish the other and stand proudly over the dead body and roar at our utmost voice? Then why should all consider educational institutes as Sanctums?

New Years Eve --Celebration of Fondness?

This New Years Eve a different feeling had enveloped me. When the whole world was celebrating in fondness of being with their own ones, there are ample numbers of people who might look laughing and giggling with friends are suffering from a certain phase of loneliness. I don't want to be very philanthropic here by saying, "Look at those people who cant eat, doesn't have a shelter, or dieing of hunger, or chill!" Although thats a part of another staunch reality, which most of us avoid thinking of during the celebrations like New Years Eve. Let me talk about those people who despite surrounded by festive celebrations and gifts, suffer acute loneliness.
Once again to bore you up, I have to unfold those horrible years of my life. No, no! it has nothing to do with family this time, its about me and me only. After Nikhil (Oh God, you guys forget so soon! Dear my First life partner!) expired in a bomb blast, I was so devastated. On one side, its losing a ground beneath your feet on the other the professional pressure of submitting my M. Phil. dissertation. Anyway not being so dramatic as most of you have felt that, his and my parents suggested me to come back to Delhi and complete my work. After the shradh (funeral), I came back on 5 July in Delhi. What a coincidence, it happened to be his birthday! Probably anyone in my situation would have done the same. Only tears rolling down my cheeks and nothing else. in such a mental condition I went to meet my supervisor. As i opened his chamber's door, sitting on his chair he stared at me with anger. Soon he started blasting me because the last date of submission was 21st July and I just left a message with one of the administrative personnel to inform him, that I was going home for some urgent work. I didn't utter a word, standing like a rock, was listening to his scolding, I knew he cared for me very much like a father does, but I couldn't muster the courage to say him the reason behind my visiting home. I just sobbed, except looking on the floor of the room. He presumed that his scolding was making me sob. Seeing me in that condition he comes near me, and hugs me like his child. I reciprocated in the same manner but kept crying. He softened and tried to console me, and kept saying he wants me to submit for I had put lots of effort into it. Imagine, still the conclusion had to be written, then the whole draft has to go through several supervisions and then running after the typist simultaneously (Dear I couldn't afford a pc those days in 99, so the typists were our only source of typing the whole dissertation) and only few days left. 
I just mumbled and tears were only coming out, words seemed choked in my throat. I could say anything. He held me by my shoulder and made me sit down in one of the chairs, caressing my hairs, "Tell me why are you crying like this? Don't i have rights to scold you!" I just nodded my head. i covered my face and howled now. He held me by my chin and wiped my tears, I looked at his caring eyes. I shut mine and said with broken words, "Sir, Nikhil passed away." He was shocked, just uttered with soft voice "Oh God! Why didn't you tell me!". A person who was always considered as DON among the faculty, because he had very deep and emphatic voice. Couldn't believe the softness. He asked everything in details. I said him all those how and when the tragedy struck. Without any word, he said, "Don't worry! I will get you a zero semester.(Its a break for one semester due to certain disaster within family). Take your time and I think you need a break, wherever you want to go, just go and spend time with yourself and your family!" But Nikhil's face came in front my blur eyes, I remembered Nikhil always wanted to see me as a doctoral degree holder. Remembering those fond memories I replied, "No sir, I want to finish it. Nikhil always wanted me to be a Ph.d. I have to fulfil his dreams. Just help me, sir, please."
He smiled and said, "I know you are a determinate person. But in case if you need time, do let me know."
Working days and nights without anything keeping his picture, beside me, I finished the work. Everyone was happy --parents, friends, even sir. The day I had to run around to do the technicalities, sir reminded me for getting my passport. I didn't have the frame of mind to know the reason, I was so occupied. The day i submitted it, I was so relaxed after submission. I think it happens with everyone. 
But after few weeks when my supervisor summoned me to meet him, I rushed. Negative thoughts enveloped me, I presumed, something must have gone wrong. With a remorse face, i entered his room. He handed me an envelope from the Canadian High Commission. With anxious curiosity, I opened the envelope and he pretend to be busy with his own work. A letter for a project had come from University of Calgary and my passport with a work visa in it. I was astonished. With wide bulging eyes, I mumbled, "Sir!" He gave a satisfying smile and said, "Sit down! See Himadri, you need a break from everything. The mishap and the absence of Nikhil would haunt you always if you are here. I presume he must have taken you to most of the places in this country, so I thought this offer would give you a chance to work abroad and learn some professional ethics. Moreover, this would rejuvenate your spirit of living life." Tears twinkled in my eyes, the image I had of him became more dignified. I took his blessings and left the country.
I recall the New Years Eve over there in Calgary. Everyone went to meet their relatives. Few of the Indians, I knew in the campus, visited their friends' place, and the students were on holiday spirit. Its not that I didn't have friends but someone inside me, stopped me from going to anyone. I called up Roger, the cop whom I befriended. He said with glee, "Hi Roy, I'm in Vancouver! Happy New Year, rather a New Century!" I hanged down the phone. Came near the large glass window. Stared out, amidst white snow everywhere two glowing Christmas trees in the main ground of the Campus. Some of the residential complexes were adorned with lights, glittering bells and wreaths reading Merry Christmas. Nikhil's face came in front of me. Depression of loneliness enveloped me. I felt down upon my  knees, cried and howled, "God! why did you do this!" After few minutes of loneliness, I realised there was no one to balm my wounds. I got up, wore the over coat and came out, walked to the  cathedral opposite to the main entrance of the campus. 
Standing in front of the gate of the cathedral, I clasped my gloved palms, keeping my head upon the iron gate, I prayed, "Lord, please give me strength to survive! Just show me the way to live my life!" Wiping the tears, I retreated back to my room. went near the book shelf and saw my favorite Jane Eyre. I picked up the book, opened and page randomly, and started reading. After few minutes I felt sleepy, I got into the warm blanket and went to sleep.
Next morning, when I woke up, i felt bit energized. Thought of going somewhere. Getting fresh, peeped into my wallet and saw the RTS card, and the last bill attached to it. Smiled, "Great! 184 Canadian dollars in it! Not bad!" I gulped some leftover donuts and  fruit juice. packed my essential items in a satchel. Came out of the room. Rushed to the nearby tube station, as the ticket counter approached, I wondered where to go. Stared at the RTS map above the counter window and saw something. As my turn came, I said, giving a smile, "Swipe the card for Richmond!" I was directed to Platform no. 5 to board the tube. As the train came whistling aloud, I got into the empty coach. There wasn't a single human being. Heaving out, i entered, sat down, "Crazy me! Why am I going to Richmond?" I tried to find out the reason behind such a hasty decision. I recalled once Roger told me that in winter Vancouver is the best place to visit. I pondered, "Probably I didn't want to disturb Roger, so visiting another town in the same province." 
As i came out of the station, i was hugged by a crispy sunshine and pleasant breeze. I could see the crimson red board of the Tourist Information centre right across the road. As i entered there, I was guided to a respective counter after i showed my identity. I saw several handsome faces in different counters, but the counter i was sent to had a middle aged, bubbly woman. (No dear, the administration is not like India. As i had a card claiming myself to be a gay, that was the only staff who was gay-friendly for that day). She greeted me with a happy new year wish. I reciprocated in the same manner, enquired, "Can you guide me to the place where i can feel at ease and rekindle my life?" She grinned at me, "Alone or for two?" I felt like shrieking at her, but smiled and replied with confidence, "No! Single!" While filling the PC details she suggested, "Lulu Island would be the best for you!" Then she handed me the receipt saying Queensborough, some cab no. was there. Sorry guys couldn't recall. I gaped at the slip and asked her with shock, "But you said Lulu Island and this is for Queensborough!" She answered me with a big smile, "That's the official name! Don't worry! Enjoy your weekend!" 
I came out and boarded the respective cab. The young guy of 19-20 greeted me with a new years wish. I sat down at the back seat. But as the cab started i saw his face and something stroke me, I asked very politely, "can you take to be a hotel somewhere around 10-15 dollars a day?" "Sure Roy!" was his response and he dropped me at budget hotel. I liked the lobby and asked for a room viewing the best of the island. I got into the room, opened the balcony and believe me what i saw was a paradise view. River Fraser flowing by, the breeze was welcoming with sparkling sunshine. the sight itself refreshened my depreseed soul. I spread my arms and said, "Happy New Year dear!" 
Now let me come to the pint of rambling a stupid story to you. You all must be thinking why this guy keeps on writing something idiotic. But let me reveal now why did i said such a long thing. This New Year's Eve when i was talking to few of my friends they sounded so depressing, their only comment was 'You are lucky to have your beloved by your side". I understand that but why so depressingly? has the world only succumbed to Me and ME only? Why is it that whomsoever our heart years for has to be our pride possession? Is relationship only a sense of acquisition today? Why? Please guys, I'm not saying these with such self-centric words like 'Neighbor's Envy Owner's Pride'. Please i am talking on grounds of humanity. There are so many people around us, who are settled with the one they loved, despite they complain of being in love with the wrong person. My suggestion to all you friends is simple that please Love yourself, Love the pure soul you have, Love the divine body you possess. I know you all love dancing in the tapping song of Sheila ki Jawani. But doesn't the lyrics say you something in this way to LOVE your OWNSELF. Then why when you are surrounded my family, relatives, friends still you yearn more in such festive moments. Guys live this moment is such pleasure that you could cherish it when you feel LONELY. Remember that Enjoying SINGLEHOOD is much more significant than being lonely in a crowd. So get up, fasten your waistline once again and now dance in the song the way your soul would freak out of your beloved was with you "My name is Sheila..." and feel the words in every part of your body. You will soon realize that your life is so charming that your PURE soul is always spirited, enthusiastic and sportingly adventurous. LOVE YOUR OWN SELF, friends make this a resolution this year and keep adoring your own charming beauty that god has gifted you. Forget what others say, re-kindle your life, the way you would have if you had someone special in life. So that when 2012 ends, you could proudly say, "Yes this year was great! God has showered his divine blessings upon me!"