This New Years Eve a different feeling had enveloped me. When the whole world was celebrating in fondness of being with their own ones, there are ample numbers of people who might look laughing and giggling with friends are suffering from a certain phase of loneliness. I don't want to be very philanthropic here by saying, "Look at those people who cant eat, doesn't have a shelter, or dieing of hunger, or chill!" Although thats a part of another staunch reality, which most of us avoid thinking of during the celebrations like New Years Eve. Let me talk about those people who despite surrounded by festive celebrations and gifts, suffer acute loneliness.
Once again to bore you up, I have to unfold those horrible years of my life. No, no! it has nothing to do with family this time, its about me and me only. After Nikhil (Oh God, you guys forget so soon! Dear my First life partner!) expired in a bomb blast, I was so devastated. On one side, its losing a ground beneath your feet on the other the professional pressure of submitting my M. Phil. dissertation. Anyway not being so dramatic as most of you have felt that, his and my parents suggested me to come back to Delhi and complete my work. After the shradh (funeral), I came back on 5 July in Delhi. What a coincidence, it happened to be his birthday! Probably anyone in my situation would have done the same. Only tears rolling down my cheeks and nothing else. in such a mental condition I went to meet my supervisor. As i opened his chamber's door, sitting on his chair he stared at me with anger. Soon he started blasting me because the last date of submission was 21st July and I just left a message with one of the administrative personnel to inform him, that I was going home for some urgent work. I didn't utter a word, standing like a rock, was listening to his scolding, I knew he cared for me very much like a father does, but I couldn't muster the courage to say him the reason behind my visiting home. I just sobbed, except looking on the floor of the room. He presumed that his scolding was making me sob. Seeing me in that condition he comes near me, and hugs me like his child. I reciprocated in the same manner but kept crying. He softened and tried to console me, and kept saying he wants me to submit for I had put lots of effort into it. Imagine, still the conclusion had to be written, then the whole draft has to go through several supervisions and then running after the typist simultaneously (Dear I couldn't afford a pc those days in 99, so the typists were our only source of typing the whole dissertation) and only few days left.
I just mumbled and tears were only coming out, words seemed choked in my throat. I could say anything. He held me by my shoulder and made me sit down in one of the chairs, caressing my hairs, "Tell me why are you crying like this? Don't i have rights to scold you!" I just nodded my head. i covered my face and howled now. He held me by my chin and wiped my tears, I looked at his caring eyes. I shut mine and said with broken words, "Sir, Nikhil passed away." He was shocked, just uttered with soft voice "Oh God! Why didn't you tell me!". A person who was always considered as DON among the faculty, because he had very deep and emphatic voice. Couldn't believe the softness. He asked everything in details. I said him all those how and when the tragedy struck. Without any word, he said, "Don't worry! I will get you a zero semester.(Its a break for one semester due to certain disaster within family). Take your time and I think you need a break, wherever you want to go, just go and spend time with yourself and your family!" But Nikhil's face came in front my blur eyes, I remembered Nikhil always wanted to see me as a doctoral degree holder. Remembering those fond memories I replied, "No sir, I want to finish it. Nikhil always wanted me to be a Ph.d. I have to fulfil his dreams. Just help me, sir, please."
He smiled and said, "I know you are a determinate person. But in case if you need time, do let me know."
Working days and nights without anything keeping his picture, beside me, I finished the work. Everyone was happy --parents, friends, even sir. The day I had to run around to do the technicalities, sir reminded me for getting my passport. I didn't have the frame of mind to know the reason, I was so occupied. The day i submitted it, I was so relaxed after submission. I think it happens with everyone.
But after few weeks when my supervisor summoned me to meet him, I rushed. Negative thoughts enveloped me, I presumed, something must have gone wrong. With a remorse face, i entered his room. He handed me an envelope from the Canadian High Commission. With anxious curiosity, I opened the envelope and he pretend to be busy with his own work. A letter for a project had come from University of Calgary and my passport with a work visa in it. I was astonished. With wide bulging eyes, I mumbled, "Sir!" He gave a satisfying smile and said, "Sit down! See Himadri, you need a break from everything. The mishap and the absence of Nikhil would haunt you always if you are here. I presume he must have taken you to most of the places in this country, so I thought this offer would give you a chance to work abroad and learn some professional ethics. Moreover, this would rejuvenate your spirit of living life." Tears twinkled in my eyes, the image I had of him became more dignified. I took his blessings and left the country.
I recall the New Years Eve over there in Calgary. Everyone went to meet their relatives. Few of the Indians, I knew in the campus, visited their friends' place, and the students were on holiday spirit. Its not that I didn't have friends but someone inside me, stopped me from going to anyone. I called up Roger, the cop whom I befriended. He said with glee, "Hi Roy, I'm in Vancouver! Happy New Year, rather a New Century!" I hanged down the phone. Came near the large glass window. Stared out, amidst white snow everywhere two glowing Christmas trees in the main ground of the Campus. Some of the residential complexes were adorned with lights, glittering bells and wreaths reading Merry Christmas. Nikhil's face came in front of me. Depression of loneliness enveloped me. I felt down upon my knees, cried and howled, "God! why did you do this!" After few minutes of loneliness, I realised there was no one to balm my wounds. I got up, wore the over coat and came out, walked to the cathedral opposite to the main entrance of the campus.
Standing in front of the gate of the cathedral, I clasped my gloved palms, keeping my head upon the iron gate, I prayed, "Lord, please give me strength to survive! Just show me the way to live my life!" Wiping the tears, I retreated back to my room. went near the book shelf and saw my favorite Jane Eyre. I picked up the book, opened and page randomly, and started reading. After few minutes I felt sleepy, I got into the warm blanket and went to sleep.
Next morning, when I woke up, i felt bit energized. Thought of going somewhere. Getting fresh, peeped into my wallet and saw the RTS card, and the last bill attached to it. Smiled, "Great! 184 Canadian dollars in it! Not bad!" I gulped some leftover donuts and fruit juice. packed my essential items in a satchel. Came out of the room. Rushed to the nearby tube station, as the ticket counter approached, I wondered where to go. Stared at the RTS map above the counter window and saw something. As my turn came, I said, giving a smile, "Swipe the card for Richmond!" I was directed to Platform no. 5 to board the tube. As the train came whistling aloud, I got into the empty coach. There wasn't a single human being. Heaving out, i entered, sat down, "Crazy me! Why am I going to Richmond?" I tried to find out the reason behind such a hasty decision. I recalled once Roger told me that in winter Vancouver is the best place to visit. I pondered, "Probably I didn't want to disturb Roger, so visiting another town in the same province."
As i came out of the station, i was hugged by a crispy sunshine and pleasant breeze. I could see the crimson red board of the Tourist Information centre right across the road. As i entered there, I was guided to a respective counter after i showed my identity. I saw several handsome faces in different counters, but the counter i was sent to had a middle aged, bubbly woman. (No dear, the administration is not like India. As i had a card claiming myself to be a gay, that was the only staff who was gay-friendly for that day). She greeted me with a happy new year wish. I reciprocated in the same manner, enquired, "Can you guide me to the place where i can feel at ease and rekindle my life?" She grinned at me, "Alone or for two?" I felt like shrieking at her, but smiled and replied with confidence, "No! Single!" While filling the PC details she suggested, "Lulu Island would be the best for you!" Then she handed me the receipt saying Queensborough, some cab no. was there. Sorry guys couldn't recall. I gaped at the slip and asked her with shock, "But you said Lulu Island and this is for Queensborough!" She answered me with a big smile, "That's the official name! Don't worry! Enjoy your weekend!"
I came out and boarded the respective cab. The young guy of 19-20 greeted me with a new years wish. I sat down at the back seat. But as the cab started i saw his face and something stroke me, I asked very politely, "can you take to be a hotel somewhere around 10-15 dollars a day?" "Sure Roy!" was his response and he dropped me at budget hotel. I liked the lobby and asked for a room viewing the best of the island. I got into the room, opened the balcony and believe me what i saw was a paradise view. River Fraser flowing by, the breeze was welcoming with sparkling sunshine. the sight itself refreshened my depreseed soul. I spread my arms and said, "Happy New Year dear!"
Now let me come to the pint of rambling a stupid story to you. You all must be thinking why this guy keeps on writing something idiotic. But let me reveal now why did i said such a long thing. This New Year's Eve when i was talking to few of my friends they sounded so depressing, their only comment was 'You are lucky to have your beloved by your side". I understand that but why so depressingly? has the world only succumbed to Me and ME only? Why is it that whomsoever our heart years for has to be our pride possession? Is relationship only a sense of acquisition today? Why? Please guys, I'm not saying these with such self-centric words like 'Neighbor's Envy Owner's Pride'. Please i am talking on grounds of humanity. There are so many people around us, who are settled with the one they loved, despite they complain of being in love with the wrong person. My suggestion to all you friends is simple that please Love yourself, Love the pure soul you have, Love the divine body you possess. I know you all love dancing in the tapping song of Sheila ki Jawani. But doesn't the lyrics say you something in this way to LOVE your OWNSELF. Then why when you are surrounded my family, relatives, friends still you yearn more in such festive moments. Guys live this moment is such pleasure that you could cherish it when you feel LONELY. Remember that Enjoying SINGLEHOOD is much more significant than being lonely in a crowd. So get up, fasten your waistline once again and now dance in the song the way your soul would freak out of your beloved was with you "My name is Sheila..." and feel the words in every part of your body. You will soon realize that your life is so charming that your PURE soul is always spirited, enthusiastic and sportingly adventurous. LOVE YOUR OWN SELF, friends make this a resolution this year and keep adoring your own charming beauty that god has gifted you. Forget what others say, re-kindle your life, the way you would have if you had someone special in life. So that when 2012 ends, you could proudly say, "Yes this year was great! God has showered his divine blessings upon me!"
Once again to bore you up, I have to unfold those horrible years of my life. No, no! it has nothing to do with family this time, its about me and me only. After Nikhil (Oh God, you guys forget so soon! Dear my First life partner!) expired in a bomb blast, I was so devastated. On one side, its losing a ground beneath your feet on the other the professional pressure of submitting my M. Phil. dissertation. Anyway not being so dramatic as most of you have felt that, his and my parents suggested me to come back to Delhi and complete my work. After the shradh (funeral), I came back on 5 July in Delhi. What a coincidence, it happened to be his birthday! Probably anyone in my situation would have done the same. Only tears rolling down my cheeks and nothing else. in such a mental condition I went to meet my supervisor. As i opened his chamber's door, sitting on his chair he stared at me with anger. Soon he started blasting me because the last date of submission was 21st July and I just left a message with one of the administrative personnel to inform him, that I was going home for some urgent work. I didn't utter a word, standing like a rock, was listening to his scolding, I knew he cared for me very much like a father does, but I couldn't muster the courage to say him the reason behind my visiting home. I just sobbed, except looking on the floor of the room. He presumed that his scolding was making me sob. Seeing me in that condition he comes near me, and hugs me like his child. I reciprocated in the same manner but kept crying. He softened and tried to console me, and kept saying he wants me to submit for I had put lots of effort into it. Imagine, still the conclusion had to be written, then the whole draft has to go through several supervisions and then running after the typist simultaneously (Dear I couldn't afford a pc those days in 99, so the typists were our only source of typing the whole dissertation) and only few days left.
I just mumbled and tears were only coming out, words seemed choked in my throat. I could say anything. He held me by my shoulder and made me sit down in one of the chairs, caressing my hairs, "Tell me why are you crying like this? Don't i have rights to scold you!" I just nodded my head. i covered my face and howled now. He held me by my chin and wiped my tears, I looked at his caring eyes. I shut mine and said with broken words, "Sir, Nikhil passed away." He was shocked, just uttered with soft voice "Oh God! Why didn't you tell me!". A person who was always considered as DON among the faculty, because he had very deep and emphatic voice. Couldn't believe the softness. He asked everything in details. I said him all those how and when the tragedy struck. Without any word, he said, "Don't worry! I will get you a zero semester.(Its a break for one semester due to certain disaster within family). Take your time and I think you need a break, wherever you want to go, just go and spend time with yourself and your family!" But Nikhil's face came in front my blur eyes, I remembered Nikhil always wanted to see me as a doctoral degree holder. Remembering those fond memories I replied, "No sir, I want to finish it. Nikhil always wanted me to be a Ph.d. I have to fulfil his dreams. Just help me, sir, please."
He smiled and said, "I know you are a determinate person. But in case if you need time, do let me know."
Working days and nights without anything keeping his picture, beside me, I finished the work. Everyone was happy --parents, friends, even sir. The day I had to run around to do the technicalities, sir reminded me for getting my passport. I didn't have the frame of mind to know the reason, I was so occupied. The day i submitted it, I was so relaxed after submission. I think it happens with everyone.
But after few weeks when my supervisor summoned me to meet him, I rushed. Negative thoughts enveloped me, I presumed, something must have gone wrong. With a remorse face, i entered his room. He handed me an envelope from the Canadian High Commission. With anxious curiosity, I opened the envelope and he pretend to be busy with his own work. A letter for a project had come from University of Calgary and my passport with a work visa in it. I was astonished. With wide bulging eyes, I mumbled, "Sir!" He gave a satisfying smile and said, "Sit down! See Himadri, you need a break from everything. The mishap and the absence of Nikhil would haunt you always if you are here. I presume he must have taken you to most of the places in this country, so I thought this offer would give you a chance to work abroad and learn some professional ethics. Moreover, this would rejuvenate your spirit of living life." Tears twinkled in my eyes, the image I had of him became more dignified. I took his blessings and left the country.
I recall the New Years Eve over there in Calgary. Everyone went to meet their relatives. Few of the Indians, I knew in the campus, visited their friends' place, and the students were on holiday spirit. Its not that I didn't have friends but someone inside me, stopped me from going to anyone. I called up Roger, the cop whom I befriended. He said with glee, "Hi Roy, I'm in Vancouver! Happy New Year, rather a New Century!" I hanged down the phone. Came near the large glass window. Stared out, amidst white snow everywhere two glowing Christmas trees in the main ground of the Campus. Some of the residential complexes were adorned with lights, glittering bells and wreaths reading Merry Christmas. Nikhil's face came in front of me. Depression of loneliness enveloped me. I felt down upon my knees, cried and howled, "God! why did you do this!" After few minutes of loneliness, I realised there was no one to balm my wounds. I got up, wore the over coat and came out, walked to the cathedral opposite to the main entrance of the campus.
Standing in front of the gate of the cathedral, I clasped my gloved palms, keeping my head upon the iron gate, I prayed, "Lord, please give me strength to survive! Just show me the way to live my life!" Wiping the tears, I retreated back to my room. went near the book shelf and saw my favorite Jane Eyre. I picked up the book, opened and page randomly, and started reading. After few minutes I felt sleepy, I got into the warm blanket and went to sleep.
Next morning, when I woke up, i felt bit energized. Thought of going somewhere. Getting fresh, peeped into my wallet and saw the RTS card, and the last bill attached to it. Smiled, "Great! 184 Canadian dollars in it! Not bad!" I gulped some leftover donuts and fruit juice. packed my essential items in a satchel. Came out of the room. Rushed to the nearby tube station, as the ticket counter approached, I wondered where to go. Stared at the RTS map above the counter window and saw something. As my turn came, I said, giving a smile, "Swipe the card for Richmond!" I was directed to Platform no. 5 to board the tube. As the train came whistling aloud, I got into the empty coach. There wasn't a single human being. Heaving out, i entered, sat down, "Crazy me! Why am I going to Richmond?" I tried to find out the reason behind such a hasty decision. I recalled once Roger told me that in winter Vancouver is the best place to visit. I pondered, "Probably I didn't want to disturb Roger, so visiting another town in the same province."
As i came out of the station, i was hugged by a crispy sunshine and pleasant breeze. I could see the crimson red board of the Tourist Information centre right across the road. As i entered there, I was guided to a respective counter after i showed my identity. I saw several handsome faces in different counters, but the counter i was sent to had a middle aged, bubbly woman. (No dear, the administration is not like India. As i had a card claiming myself to be a gay, that was the only staff who was gay-friendly for that day). She greeted me with a happy new year wish. I reciprocated in the same manner, enquired, "Can you guide me to the place where i can feel at ease and rekindle my life?" She grinned at me, "Alone or for two?" I felt like shrieking at her, but smiled and replied with confidence, "No! Single!" While filling the PC details she suggested, "Lulu Island would be the best for you!" Then she handed me the receipt saying Queensborough, some cab no. was there. Sorry guys couldn't recall. I gaped at the slip and asked her with shock, "But you said Lulu Island and this is for Queensborough!" She answered me with a big smile, "That's the official name! Don't worry! Enjoy your weekend!"
I came out and boarded the respective cab. The young guy of 19-20 greeted me with a new years wish. I sat down at the back seat. But as the cab started i saw his face and something stroke me, I asked very politely, "can you take to be a hotel somewhere around 10-15 dollars a day?" "Sure Roy!" was his response and he dropped me at budget hotel. I liked the lobby and asked for a room viewing the best of the island. I got into the room, opened the balcony and believe me what i saw was a paradise view. River Fraser flowing by, the breeze was welcoming with sparkling sunshine. the sight itself refreshened my depreseed soul. I spread my arms and said, "Happy New Year dear!"
Now let me come to the pint of rambling a stupid story to you. You all must be thinking why this guy keeps on writing something idiotic. But let me reveal now why did i said such a long thing. This New Year's Eve when i was talking to few of my friends they sounded so depressing, their only comment was 'You are lucky to have your beloved by your side". I understand that but why so depressingly? has the world only succumbed to Me and ME only? Why is it that whomsoever our heart years for has to be our pride possession? Is relationship only a sense of acquisition today? Why? Please guys, I'm not saying these with such self-centric words like 'Neighbor's Envy Owner's Pride'. Please i am talking on grounds of humanity. There are so many people around us, who are settled with the one they loved, despite they complain of being in love with the wrong person. My suggestion to all you friends is simple that please Love yourself, Love the pure soul you have, Love the divine body you possess. I know you all love dancing in the tapping song of Sheila ki Jawani. But doesn't the lyrics say you something in this way to LOVE your OWNSELF. Then why when you are surrounded my family, relatives, friends still you yearn more in such festive moments. Guys live this moment is such pleasure that you could cherish it when you feel LONELY. Remember that Enjoying SINGLEHOOD is much more significant than being lonely in a crowd. So get up, fasten your waistline once again and now dance in the song the way your soul would freak out of your beloved was with you "My name is Sheila..." and feel the words in every part of your body. You will soon realize that your life is so charming that your PURE soul is always spirited, enthusiastic and sportingly adventurous. LOVE YOUR OWN SELF, friends make this a resolution this year and keep adoring your own charming beauty that god has gifted you. Forget what others say, re-kindle your life, the way you would have if you had someone special in life. So that when 2012 ends, you could proudly say, "Yes this year was great! God has showered his divine blessings upon me!"
