My Article on R. Raj Rao's Boyfriend

Unheard Minorities: The Portrayal of Homosexuality in a Post-modern Metropolitan in R. Raj Rao’s Boyfriend.

Unheard Minorities: The Portrayal of Homosexuality in a Post-modern Metropolitan in R. Raj Rao’s Boyfriend.

Ye dil hai mushkil jina yeha
Zara hatke, zara bach ke,
Ye hai Bombay meri jaan.[C.I.D –1956]

Probably these lines of the famous song of the 1956 Bollywood superhit, directed by Raj Khosla, frame an idea about the life in a metropolitan especially Bombay or Mumbai. If the lines are probed into, one can know the real struggle of a metropolitan, a struggle encompasses several phases of life –from identity crises to sexual roles, from gender roles to a masculine shift of domesticity, from religious categorizations prevalent in the country to a class structure prevalent in the urban space. Every phase of life seems to be descending from a small to a smaller unit, which ultimately becomes unheard, unvoiced and closeted. People in the metropolitan seems to be very busy in their respective jobs that they have no time for anyone –for the family, for the friends and, very ironically, not even for themselves. What remains visible is only their mere physical existence in an innate, incessant rat race. Despite the rat race and the madding crowd, there is an unspoken magnetic fascination of these metropolitans in India. This attraction of unveiled plethora of opportunities has drawn multitudes throughout the country. The magnificent world of intelligentsia has tried to unveil this fascination and get into the vicious circle of life of the metropolitans. Different genres and several forms through the innumerable writers have penned down the lives very descriptively and in miniscule illustrations. R. Raj Rao’s Boyfriend is one such example which gives a detailed elaboration of the life of one such metropolitan of India –Bombay.
Yudhisthir, the protagonist in the novel, is a forty something gay journalist. His sexual urge leads him to several hook ups with innumerable number of people of his sex. And one such encounter leads him to come across Milind Mahadik, another important character of the novel and their confrontation leads to unfold a colossal suppressed realities. These unspoken suppressed realities circumscribe from class to religion, from historical facts of incidents to fictionalized schematic structure, from sexual innuendoes to gender identity, from discrepant linguistics to usage of Hindi words in a genre of English. Raj Rao very skillfully marvels and threads them with coincidences and the closeted world of Bombay. The story of Boyfriend circles around these two individuals most of the time, but a female character of significance has been introduced with a perfect purpose to portray the heterosexist attitude and homophobic trait of most of the people of Indian metropolitan.
The protagonist of Raj Rao’s Boyfriend, Yudhisthir abbreviated as Yudi, seems so hectic that he needs an outcome of his mere existence. What he takes refuge of, is sexual exploration of the entire other world which is never talked about. Such closeted identity is neither prevailed with legal acceptance, nor with social recognition, nor even psychological approval of the majority of the post-independent India. This dispossession of homoeroticism has constrained the lifestyles in all metropolitans. Everything diffused into such a disintegrated disseminated structure that people purposely started performing everyday life in two schemes –the professional and familial identity which the whole world sees as and the closeted and concealed sexual identity which the whole world doesn’t discuss ever.
Homosexuality has such historical truths that they tremendously shake the saturated and accepted traditional norms and conventional beliefs. Prejudices and biases relate from religious practices to superstitious innuendoes, from social legitimacy to familial acceptability. These all lead to such utter confusion that individuals start forgetting about their conceptual sexual identity. Yudi also becomes a victim of such dissidence that he moves out of his Mom’s home of New Marine Lines, from the posh South Bombay to an utter chaotic world of Nalla Sopara. He wanted his own world of sexual fantasy be real and true than a diabolic and ambiguous world that he had to lead in his mom’s place. Probably every individual who comes to Bombay for job opportunities or those who already belong to Bombay feel at the deep core of heart that they should have such liberty of expressing their sexual fantasies. And this leads to the mode of lifestyle very individualistic and self-oriented. With compulsions of several tremendous pressures ranging from family to friends, from monetary to professional, the people in the metropolitan than sacrifice their world of sexual fantasy. The fantasy remains as they are and this suppression of sexual desires lead the people perform an ambiguous lifestyle. Speculative measures and restrictive computations begin first at the step of a concealment of real facts of oneself. The ability of fantasy to re-imagine oneself emerges the displacements of ideological conflicts and discursive transformations and this helps to consolidate the very concept of an“essential” identity. This identity obtains in fantasy and based on the fulfillment of desire.1 Fantasies construct a seamless continuum between wish-fulfillments of young age to the present sexual desires of a man of forty plus and a utopian future.
Raj Rao uses this trope in his novel. When for the first time Yudi and Milind come across each other in a toilet of Churchgate Railway Station, Milind a guy of 19 years uses his intelligent mind skillfully and proclaims his name as Kishore, although such proclamation leads Yudi to wonder world about the name. It has been acceptability in the metropolitan lifestyle that no one unveils his real name to the world of strangers. Everyone seems to be engulfed in a pool of several fears together. Fear of truth, fear of discovery, and fear of recognition are some of them which lead individuals in the metropolitans to be concealed and closeted. These fears lead them to an ambiguous schematic patterns that begin with simple unfolding of lies and with passage of time, lies take such enormous shape that they start suffering psychologically. It might begin with simple lies of names where each individual feel afraid that if they tell the truth then their families will excommunicate and disown them because their sexual self portrayals lack a legitimacy and dynamic exigencies of non-acceptability. Henceforth a small lie begins and to accomplish his sexual fantasy and gradually this urge leads the individual carry the lies from outer world to the inner world of family or home. When it enters the domain of home the falsehood victimizes individuals and takes such a shape that the poor individual has no option but either to let his sexual truth be concealed forever and continue the pseudo heterosexual lifestyles or to live on his own. Yudi had accepted the latter more efficiently. What he believed was another form of self-pride for him telling lies about names is an immature way of acceptability of such sexual self. He thought that to hide one’s own name was always very adolescent when most of them are sexually exploring themselves and as he was a man of forty plus he believed he must overcome that immature concealment of names.
Another confounded truth about the age difference of these two lovers –Yudi and Milind –is the assertive consensus of age of marriage. The subjective continuum of past, present and future about portrayals of the world of fantasy and reality, constructs an idealized erotic satisfaction of young age of Milind and a carnal love made in reality of Yudi. The huge age gap between the lovers ridicules the conceptualizations of heterosexual traditional marriage where the groom and the bride also have such huge age gap. The powerful structuring of such heterosexual masculine projection leads to gender biases where women have suffered in oppressed and suppressed domesticity. Similarly when masculine roles started diffusing into dissidence and feminine performances began rebelling into transformations, homosexuality constructed a logic designated identity and posited a revolt against the psycho-cultural structure of prejudices.
As urban spaces of metropolitans lead to a perfect social reality for such revolts, homosexuality also regulated a desire of breaking the shackles of repressed and concealed symbolic discourse. Yudi as a journalist and living alone in Nalla Sopara did that with perfect persuasion. His sexual fantasies revolved around a particular “type” of men, whose odor of sweat and the young working-class body made his head spin.2 Lacanian psycho-cultural structures represented this attraction towards particular symbolic projections. These symbolic structures do enhance the obsessive eruption of sexual fantasies.3 The attraction becomes so strong that gradually once experimentation of sexual pleasure leads to obsessive enjoyment to that particular “type” of symbolic structures. For Yudi, Milind fits into the perfect obsessive sexual attraction and thus he accomplishes the fulfillment of the sexual desire he always involves in. It is not only Milind, the rickshaw pullers, barbers, motor mechanics, delivery boys and all those young working class men sexually attracted him a lot. Raj Rao were magnanimously portrayed the attraction of the other. The entrapment of pressures in the urban metropolitan lifestyle compels each individual to explore oneself through the sexual parameters to class domain. Here may not be the previous sexual exploration but penetration of different classes into one homogeneous unit becomes obvious.

“What I am saying is that homosexuals have no caste or religion.” [Rao: p.81]

Such homogeneity diffuses the subjective division and social construction of class. De-frangmentation of social classes is another transcendence of homosexuality as portrayed in Raj Rao’s Boyfriend.
The most fascinating part of a gay life in urban metropolitan space is its exploration of the world where the accomplishment of sexual desires and fantasies can be real. In this story, Rao very scrupulously exposes the toilet of Churchgate and the pub, Testosterone, as such places were gays of Bombay meet to self explore about one’s sexual world. Such subculture of homosexuality in metropolitan life is very common and in their world known as cruising areas. In his book Virtuous Vice: Homoeroticism and the Public Sphere, Eric Clarke elucidates about the cruising areas. He says:

“Interactions in public spheres become necessary to encourage such lifestyle. It enhances the spirit of a community who although closeted comes across each other in the most masculine places.” [Clarke: p. 77]

As Yudi has fascination for working class young men, he believes that toilets and public loos are the best places to get them. He thinks that such places are helpful facilitator to have a glance of the genitals of the other people. Raj Rao satirically comments on the male gaze of the society. For the masculine world of heterosexists, gaze is one such interactive measure through which the heterosexual men expose his innate desire of fantasies. Most of the men derive pleasure out of this voyeuristic attribute which they display with conscious intellectual performance.
In India, social conventions and traditional taboos are staunchly orthodox. This utter orthodoxy leads all men at some stage of their life to undergo such sufferings of voyeurisms. A teenage boy who leads a metropolitan life always masturbates thinking about his sexual fantastic human being he came across or the snapshot of his idolized perfection in a newspaper or in a page of a magazine. And for such sexual gratifications he uses the washroom in most cases. This phenomenal usage of washroom for sexual acts is projected as masculine structure in the homosexual world. The public toilets help them to display their pride possession with enormous dignity and honor, which they cannot effectively circulate in a heterosexual world. William Naphy in his histriographic text, Born to be Gay: A History of Homosexuality, explains the sense of self-satisfaction and subjective fragmentation of the profound practice of masturbation, which leads to significant narcissist tendencies of obsessions for genital size. The urban lifestyle in the metropolitan leads the men to display and comparison of their penile size with their same sex friends, whatever sexual orientation they may be of. Clarke very descriptively explains that public loos are the most important “corner of the city”4 where any homosexual can very lucratively present the display of his pride possessions whereas the heterosexual males only perform this act when they are curious unexplored teenagers and adolescents. Raj Rao also uses this innate fascination of male genitals in his novel through the explicit explanation and comparison of penile size with vegetables like “chilli, lady’s finger, carrot, radish” and“cucumber”.5 The voyeuristic gaze at huge sizes like that of a cucumber fascinates Yudi a lot.
Beyond the world of sizes, there is an overt description about roles being adapted and adopted in the sexual performances in Raj Rao’s Boyfriend. This cultural inherited adaptation of sexual roles lead the homosexual perform the role they like. As there is no participation of the opposite sex, the homosexual males themselves take part to complete the sexual acts that is one plays the role of a man the other as a woman. Evelyn Blackwood, through her psychological understanding in her anthropological text, Anthropology and Homosexual Behaviour, says:

“Sexual expression and self-description is the recognizable characteristics of a homosexual male to definite the complete portrayal of love. There is a localized urban terms for each of these roles performed by the homosexual males.” [Blackwood: p 72-77]

The subjectivities and objectivities of a homosexual male relationship depend upon these sexual performances. Rao, therefore, very tactfully draws that picture where his lovers play these roles. Yudi plays the role of woman and Milind completes himself with being the man in his sexual performance. Furthermore, Rao also defines them with a typical homosexual male linguistic jargon about these two characteristics of sexual performances the man in the role is called plug or more Indianized term is panthi, and the feminine sexual performance is always socket or koti. This analytical characterization draws a schematic heterosexist structure where engagement of two homosexual males detrimentally exposes their subservient sexual existences. Such concealed closeted world is a synecdoche of reconfigurations of limited sexual space in the world of urban homosexuality. Positioning into a role that portrays their lifestyle speaks unmincingly about the assimilation into the hegemonic cultural world of the mainstream.
The novel also focuses on the most articulated danger displayed by homosexual males is their susceptibility of sexually transmitted diseases. Their sexual performances especially with penetrative anal sex risk their vulnerability of diseases. Rao doesn’t forget to mention about this vulnerable sexual performances that might lead to diseased life if there is no protection. During the time of plague that broke out in September, Milind developed warts around the tip of the shaft of his penis, which was detected as a sexually transmitted disease. Later Yudi also discovers that he also develops similar warts around his anal region. The unprotective measure taken for sexual pleasure led to such a disease establishes the fact of vulnerability and susceptibility of the homosexual males who engage themselves into anal penetrative sex.
Beyond the sexual role and transmission of diseases, Raj Rao also portrays another heterosexual concept of an orthodox societal convention –marriage. This bond of relationship between two individuals has been an assumption of social recognition, which aesthetically portrayed always marriage between two individuals of opposite sexes. William Naphy’s Born to be Gay: A History of Homosexuality, depicts a gruesome fact about the pre-Vedic period where he mentions that the worship of the Hermaphrodite idol of Lord Shiva, Ardhanarishwar. This transformed form of Lord Shiva and Goddess Parvati has a mythological history. But what Naphy explains is the rigidity that occurred through the preaching of Brahmans in the Vedic period that drew lines of domain for all sexes through the text of Manushastra. After 60 years of independence in this country, people still concealed their sexual world from the world of exposition with a fear of discovery. Raj Rao doesn’t so staunchly criticizes this heterosexual bond of marriage but very skillfully portrays a homosexual marriage as a right for exhibiting the true love existing between two lovers, Yudi and Milind. The lovers very secretively performs this Hindu right in the house of Nalla Sopara. In fact the commitment between two lovers is at sublimity where recognition in the social world may not be that necessity but to their own private world becomes utmost essentially important convention to be unfolded and portray with perfection. Henceforth the lovers do the act with sheer motive of articulated establishment of a definition to a relationship. The negotiation with the psychological closeted world and the real heterosexual world has an innate phobia about being recognized and discovered. Both the world suffers from a phobia confessed to their own circumstances –the hetero-world also undergoes a phobia of the homosexual confrontation and encounters.
Homophobia is subjective accuracy of the heterosexual world where lots of the individuals undergo this tremendous pressure of homosexual encounters. The female protagonist of the novel, Gauri, shows her prejudices about the homosexual world. Her envious hatred towards the world of homosexuality is portrayed very magnanimously when she considers Milind as her counterpart in her world of love for Yudi. At several instances she considers Milind as a hindrance to the fulfillment of her proliferated fruitful relationship with Yudi. Gauri undergoes a fear all the time regarding their uncommitted relationship. The fear does at no place been mentioned about the homosexual world, but it has a structured schemes and patterns related to Yudi’s world of homosexuality. Even the trainee policeman, Dnyaneshwar, and Sadiq, the Iranian running a recruiting agency for the Arab countries, have been portrayed an angst out of an innate fear that the mainstream undergoes. Young-Bruehl finds a projection of this unwanted fear as a typical outcome of prejudices. She comments in her book, The Anatomy of Prejudice:

“When they are prejudiced … they have projected their desires onto the objects of prejudice, [and] the others have become the image of their forbidden or frustrated desires. But this means that, while classified as forbidden, are also alluring.” [Young- Bruehl: p. 229]

In a structural world of several sexual projections each becomes the alluring for the other and this emerges the significant world of another sexual world which confuses both the heterosexual and the homosexual world and that is the bi-sexual world.
According to Freud, any human being is born a bi-sexual. For the world of female sexuality he explains how clitoris exhibits an innate natural exhibition as a penile form in their body, but for the male sexuality he illustrates how a man converts himself the pleasure of anal insertion during his growth from a nascent world. He gives examples of when a mother or nurse cleanses the anal region after secretion of excreta, the mother or nurse unknowingly activates the region with insertion of fingers. This leads the nascent boy to the world of insertion when grown up such fascination of insertion converts into reality with penetration. And for the rest of the males Freud blatantly factualizes that all male love to insert his genital into a region of the body which activates his sexual desire into reality. This quintessential act of insertion and penetration are the prominent examples of the fact of bi-sexual world. Raj Rao uses this attribute of bisexuality in his novel Boyfriend. Milind Mahadik is portrayed as a subservient closeted bi-sexual. His relationship with Yudi shows his homosexual phase and gets him involved into the act through the act of penetrating homosexual partner. He plays the role of man in that relationship. And his marriage to Leela, conforms his act of penetration as a masculine role of a traditional heterosexual world. Jonathan Dollimore re-establishes the Freudian philosophy about bi-sexuality. He says in his dissident text, Sex, Literature and Censorship:

“Homosexual identities are diffusively authentic when the so-called heterosexual or straight person performs sex in a closeted world with a same-sex partner. In the attraction of exploration, this man confirms his sexuality as a bi-sexual. But the most interesting fact is he prefers to insert more on a tight anus than to a loose vagina. A closeted bisexual portrays the true homosexual as a person to have sex with for he prejudiced with his conceptual world that homosexuals are nymphomaniacs.” [Dollimore: p. 23-25]

Raj Rao at certain incidents in his novel paraphrases these facts about bisexuality through the character of Milind. And the comic twist comes over at the end of the novel when Gauri confesses her liking for women.
Beyond the schematic parameters of homosexuality, Raj Rao very meticulously paints the world of class structure very prominent in the urban metropolitans. This class structure is based on both the parameters –the Vedic categorizations of class as castes and the Marxist divisions on the basis of economics. According to the Vedic categorizations, the topmost is a Brahman and the lowest in the category was the Shudras. Raj Rao very perfectly portrays the novel with the homosexual in a woman’s role to be a Brahman, in the character of Yudhisthir, and the homosexual in a man’s role to be a Shudra, in the character of Milind Mahadik. Rao at an instance comments very gruesomely that “homos are no different from Bhangis. Both are Untouchables.” Giving it a touch of satiric irony, Milind is made to penetrate his Shudra semen into the body of a Brahman. The religious structure of categorizations diffuses into one another very emphatically through sexual performances. At the end when Milind returns to Yudi for financial aids, the satire becomes very staunchly pungent. Yudi is shown as Lord Krishna and Milind as Sudama, the mythological figurines perform the rites of washing the feet. Here again Yudi washes Milind’s feet. Raj Rao very scrupulously does create a situation where religion becomes nothing but a stuff of mockery on the pseudo heterosexist social traditions. In the post-modern India where struggle for existence of the untouchable Shudras were very harsh, they gradually converted themselves into Buddhism with the role of their Prophet being performed by Babasaheb Ambedkar. Most of the Dalits in the country converted became a follower of Lord Buddha, who believed the homogenous structure of society. Somehow gradually with lapse of time, this hardly matter in an urban metropolitan lifestyle, where struggle for life has more gruesome facts for existence and survival.
In the city of Bombay, life is like a vicious circle where only one thing mattered and became significant and that is money. Karl Marx said in his famous The Communist Manifesto, that society will be framed on structures of economic existence. The post-modern India experiences that with the urban struggle for life, where living a life according to one’s standard became tremendously tough. Pressures to meet such parameters become so important that each and every individual began to lead a hasty and racing life. They got gradually entrapped into the rat race and kept running all the time. Money became a dream for the unskilled working class as well as for the skilled class. Very soon the religious structures diffused into structures of low class, middle class and high class on the basis of their input into the financial structure of the city. Raj Rao shows this structure very skillfully in his novel. Yudi belongs to a middle class as being a freelance journalist and earning enough to maintain his lifestyle. Milind is shown as a low class for he earns sufficient to sustain his life in that city of Bombay. Gauri is shown as a high class for she is a painter and the only daughter of a retired army personnel. Several characters are portrayed belonging to all the classes of an urban society.
For metropolitans, the space where one lives frames the class to some extent. The image one carries depends entirely on the space that one possesses. Beyond the world of struggling middle class, the urban space is divided into posh and slum areas and Bombay is the best example of such a compartmentalization of space. Yudi’s mother lived in a posh area, New Marine Lines, and Gauri lived in Bandra, another posh locality of Bombay; but Yudi as a struggling middle class owned a flat in Nalla Sopara for himself, Milind lived in Dagdi Chawl, a very lower class area where survival existed in a single room conglomerated for all purpose of life –from kitchen to washroom to living room. In fact, Raj Rao very schematically structured his characters at different parts of Bombay according to their classes. Furthermore, he continues to describe the lifestyles suitable perfectly to his characters. Yudi, as he earns quite a sufficient amount being a freelance and a bachelor, goes to pubs like Testosterone, where fees for admission is Rs. 100/-, quiet often visits with his lover at Café Volga, where food is expensive but drinks are reasonable whereas Gauri loves to go to all expensive restaurants, like The Wayside Inn. She throws parties at the Press Club exhibiting her living standard. The poor Milind was once thrown out of the Taj Palace, where Yudi came to meet his U.S.-settled cousin, because of his clothes. So he was in search of money more than love. Yudi use to give him pocket-money. Later on he also developed himself as a homosexual prostitute, through the A. K. Modelling Agency, for he thought that is the easiest way to earn money and become richer in the urban life of Bombay.
The projection of social inequality through the categorization of money adds several colors to the story. One such color is the conception of homosexuality among different classes. Milind thinks that it’s only high class people who practice such alternative sexual lifestyles. And minor characters, like Parmeshwar, the owner of Medium Advertising Agency, where Milind worked as a clerk, Ashish Shah, who owns a coaching class called College of Knowledge and has NRI uncles in London and New York, where Milind went for a job, and Sadiq –all have considered that homosexuality is a culture practiced by lower illiterate class.
Beyond the tender gender bender, Boyfriend also gives us the portrayal of historical evidences to taint his novel a characteristics of reality. Factual details and evidences are used with perfection to draw the reader’s attention to the ground realities around this city life of Bombay. The historical instances of the demolition of Babri Masjid, the Plague of 1994, and even the reference to Stonewall are mentioned. The aftermath of Babri Masjid demolition that occurred in December, 1992, in Ayodha, the birthplace of the Hindu-god Lord Rama, is shown with excellent portrayal. In the atmosphere of angst vengeance against the religious beliefs –Hindus and Muslims –the country broke out into several communal riots. Yudi and Milind were also affected by this. When they met each other at the toilet of Churchgate Railway Station, they parted of without ever expecting and anticipating for a future confrontation with each other. But Yudi was so touched by Milind that in the anticipation to see him again he usually visited the place repeatedly. Meanwhile when a communal riot broke out in Bombay as a repercussion of the demolition of Babri Masjid, Yudi presumed that the poor guy must have been killed somewhere. Again in September 1994, Bombay was affected by the plague. It came from the city of Surat in Gujarat, 260 kilometers away from Bombay; panic broke out throughout the country. A local newspaper, Mid-Day, had a headline reading as ‘Half of Bombay to die of plague’.6 With a fear of contamination and possessive love, Yudi made Milind wear masks to protect himself and gave him some of the Tetracycline capsules he had bought for himself and his mother. Furthermore, the incident of Stonewall Inn in Manhattan, New York, were a series of violent conflicts between the homosexual people and New York City police officers that began during a 28 June 1969 police raid, and lasted several days; is also referred to when the trainee policeman, Dnyaneshwar, was attacked by the queen friends of Yudi because the cop was behaving as an extortionist to exploit him.
Nevertheless the importance of true historical facts became subsided when city life came into prominence. While the whole country in undermined by the prevalence of a patriarchal set-up, where domestic performaces of household chores are fixed to the woman’s world, the post-modern urban metropolitan lifestyle changed this domestic role. The world of single males compelled to bind themselves with household chores. Yudi is also shown in such a framework where he prepares tea for himself. Raj Rao very tactfully breaks the framework of domesticity which according to patriarchal setup is a feminine domain changes to a masculine world under the compulsion of struggling urban life.
Apart from all these, Raj Rao very meticulously portrays linguistic blend of localized and vernacular words in a genre of English with par excellence. He uses lots of Hindi words and Marathi sentences commonly used in Bombay. Innumerable localized Hindi words are used very artistically from all spheres of life. He begins with the traditional mode of conduct like the greetings in India with the word Namaste, marriage of one’s own choice, Swayamwar, etc. The Hindi localized words are used in context to the cultural exposition of food in lots of words like tava, pakoras, puranpolis, pickles, papads, carrot halwa, kulfi, khichdi, chapatti, etc. Rao also focuses on the localized usage to portray the world of love through a localized flavor in words like, jaaneman, humsafar, deewana, pati parmeshwar, etc. The parameters of focus also have the cultural context of adorning and decorating oneself of femininity like kajal, bindi, sindoor, etc. Even the everyday life, Rao focus of the daily usage of small sentences of localized Hindi, like nazar lag gaya, isi waqt, jaldi karo, saab, kya hai, zaroori kaam, paisa vasool, hat-teri-ki, kaun chahiye, etc. Beside these, the usage of Hindi abusive words like, bewda, chhakka, chutiya, ghulam, bhav-khav, marad, chaprasi, randi baazi, joru ka ghulam, taporis, harami, sala gandu,etc. Beyond these localized Hindi words, Raj Rao also uses Marathi sentences to draw the flavor of Bombay life into his novel like Deva re deva, Pune la gela, Nahi ho, etc. This purpose usage of vernacular words, not only draws a flavor of localized context, but also brings the cultural conglomeration of a metropolitan life of Bombay, where one comes across Marathi, Andhraite, Malayalis, Parsis, Iranians, and many others.
R. Raj Rao has portrayed with finesse the busy urban life of the metropolitan, Bombay, in his novel Boyfriend. The protagonist, Yudhisthir, has been shown in a hectic rat race for which he needed an outcome of his mere existence. What he takes refuge of, is sexual exploration of the entire other world which is never talked about. Such closeted identity is neither prevailed with legal acceptance, nor with social recognition, nor even psychological approval of the majority of the post-independent India. R. Raj Rao very magnificently portrayed the numerous encounters of Yudhisthir with the other people of the busy city of Bombay. Although there is a devoid of sentimentality, but R. Raj Rao very successfully created an irreverent work through the interpretation of class, religion, masculinity amidst the niche of a metropolitan in post-modern circumstances. The transcendence and transition of sexual identity is discussed openly or voiced with pride through the portrayed creative world of Rao. Along with the description of a post-modern scenario of Bombay as a metropolitan, the categories of how class, religion and gender still played a pivotal role today as sub-culture of the post-independent metropolitan of India. Henceforth Rao’s novel Boyfriend establishes and unveils the closeted and concealed world of homosexuality with par excellence.

End-notes:
1) Jean Laplanche and Jean-Bertrand Pontalis, The Language of Psycho-Analysis, p. 226.
2) R. Raj Rao, Boyfriend p. 81
3) Jacques Lacan, Ecrits, p. 193-196.
4) Eric Clarke, Virtuous Vice: Homoeroticism and the Public Sphere, p. 172.
5) R. Raj Rao, Boyfriend, p. 7.
6) R. Raj Rao, Boyfriend, p. 150.

References:
1) Blackwood, Evelyn, Anthropology and Homosexual Behaviour [New York and London: Haworth, 1986]
2) Clarke, Eric O., Virtuous Vice: Homoeroticism and the Public Sphere [Durham and London: Duke University Press, 2000]
3) Dollimore, Jonathan, Sex, Literature and Censorship [Cambridge and Oxford: Polity Press, 2001]
4) Khosla, Raj, C.I.D [Bombay: Guru Dutt Films Pvt. Ltd., 1956]
5) Lacan, Jacques, Ecrits [Paris: Editions du Seuil, 1966]
6) Laplanche, Jean, and Pontalis, Jean-Bertrand, The Language of Psycho-Analysis, trans. Donald Nicholson-Smith [New York: Norton, 1973]
7) Marx, Karl, and Engels, Friedrich, The Communist Manifesto [New York: Penguin group, 1998]
8) Naphy, William, Born to be Gay: A History of Homosexuality[Gloucestershire: Tempus, 2004]
9) Rao, R. Raj, Boyfriend [New Delhi: Penguin Books India, 2003]
10) Young-Bruehl, Elisabeth, The Anatomy of Prejudice [Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1996].

The Charm of the OTHER

I sometimes wonder is it natural or is it socio-psychological that I get attracted to a person who doesn’t belong to my sexuality, especially they are either Straights or Bisexuals? Why does this happen? And every time I had an affair, I repented for falling in love with a wrong person. Despite penitence and experiences, I still do the same mistake.

Today when I stand in front of the mirror and look back at those incidents that bruised my heart and soul, I feel to be cheated, dejected. I know  I had invested emotions with them at such an extent that blaming them would be a futile effort. You guys must be thinking what has gone wrong with Himadri today that he is blabbering like this. Ok then guys, without wasting much time of yours let me begin with my affairs first and then come to the point.

After my first better half, Nikhil, passed away in a tragic mishap, I left the country for a year to escape the trauma of his absence. Soon I returned back because the place where I escaped borne in me an alienation and loneliness to the brim. Feeling claustrophobic into an unknown world, where I was considered as a foreigner, despite being professionally profound. If I had compromised to my loneliness, I would have been a faculty by now in one of the university where I went for a project. But I couldn't sacrifice my feelings of freedom and space to that of a professional establishment. So i decided to return back.

But before leaving the country I checked in my email account. Hordes of my friends were waiting eagerly for my return. I was so excited that friends are still there who would be happy for my return. 

But dissatisfaction enveloped me when I couldn’t see anyone for receiving me at the airport. I tried to console myself by saying its around 3:30 in the night, how stupidly will i expect anyone to greet me. I still remember, from the airport I called up my Mom and said her with blissful elation, “Ma, I’m back!” She couldn’t hold her tears for she was listening to her son almost after 400 days. Why? Com'on guys, I’m talking about the year October, 2000. It had been expensive those days to make sprint ISD calls sitting abroad, and knowing my Mom she wouldn’t keep the receiver so easily. As I didn’t get much fellowship, I had to curb my expenses for some savings when I came back. Can you believe, within one year, I had managed to save around few six digits when converted into Indian currency, to some extent I had a feeling of joy to be a rich student in Jawaharlal Nehru University.

As i came back to my room, the same four walls, the same color, the same wardrobe ---everything reminded me of Nikhil. Tears was obvious to come out. I opened the balcony door and stood outside at that late night. still few hostelers were returning back to their rooms and few going out. A painful smile filled my face. I stared at the guard who was standing near the small 6 by 6 room to kep a vigilant eyes upon me. I stared at the sky above. faint translucent light could be seen. i looked at my watch, its around 4:45. the dawn is about to break. Heaving heavily  i came back to the room and laid a fresh bed sheet and went off to sleep.

When i woke up in the afternoon, i got freshened up and had my brunch in the mess at the lunch hours, thought of visiting my friends. I landed up in Jaideepda’s lab. I was introduced to a new guy from Allahabad who came for a project there. The first look of his bedazzled me. I felt happy inside, "Wow, my type! Slim, fair, tall!" i couldn't resist but became pally with him. He also reciprocated in the same manner. we went for lunch together. then he invited me to his room, the new hostel then, Mahi-Mandvi. No, no we didnt had sex then. he held my hands and we went to the balcony and watched the setting sun. He laid down his head upon my shoulders, putting his fingers in the gaps of my fingers and said, "I dont know, but I think i liked you than anyone else." An innate smile filled me inside and I replied, "Same here!" 

Then what as usual a new love story began and soon we grew very close, I mean all possible ways. I started seeing him as my life partner, despite hearing several times from him that he has a girl-friend who is back in Allahabad. I damn cared about her and his feelings, because I saw his fondness and caring for me. I had been so selfish and cruel forgetting about how she would be feeling if she comes to know about our togetherness. Despite that,  every alternative night spending on my bed with him had become a part of my life. He had a friend from his college who was also doing a project but with IIT Delhi. 

One day he came over to see me. he wanted to sahre something very urgent and important. He held my hands and dragged me beside KC, the marketing complex of JNU, and we sat down upon the stairs of the primary school there. He held me by my arms and looking straight into my eyes, said, “Himadri what are you doing?” I looked zappingly at him. He said, “Do you have any idea that he is utilizing you for all kinds of support for emotions, for sex and everything!” I was getting confused, because I knew he was a very good friend of the guy I was dating. Holding my chin with his fingers, he continued, “Please stop this! You are a genuine guy and i can understand you are in true love with him. Believe me, I'm not against your love or intruding between you two. But I can’t see that he does this to you where you will be left with no choice but to digest the horrendous reality. All of us know you what fate had done to your previous affair.” At once, HIV+ stroke my mind, because I was having unprotected sex with him, despite mustering courage I asked him, “Krishna please tell me what’s the matter? Don’t play with words!” He couldn't stare at my eyes, he hugged me and said, “Himadri, do you know that he is married?” As the words reached my ears, I became frozen. Krishna could feel my heart beats stopped pulsating for few seconds. He said, “Please I as a well-wisher telling you to move out. Believe me I can’t see you in tears anymore. You don't deserve to be treated like this.” I tired to become normal, although pretending. I left the hug and said him with twinkling eyes, "Thanks Krishna! You saved me!" He left without even meeting him. 

In the same night, when he came to my room, I didn’t say anything, as he hugged me and wanted to kiss me. I did allow him, but as his hands started moving else where, I stopped him, said, “Whom are you thinking of? Your wife?” Shockingly he jumped out of the bed, asking, “Who told you that?” Argumentatively with a harsh tone, I replied, “How does it matter! Isn’t that true? How could you cheat both of us? You shouldn’t have done this! At least once you could have thought about her, before even proceeding further. What do you think that I’m easily available and an emotional fool! Please if you are a real man and have some feelings, just leave now! I don’t you to see you again!” He tried to plead, tried to justify his actions, but I didn’t give him opportunity. He left. I felt down upon my knees and cried so much. I felt like a wounded soldier. 

I asked myself, why I had to fall for this bisexual. Weren’t there any gays? Alone inside the four walls, tears were only my best friends. I started cursing myself for all those pleasurable moments of togetherness. I felt so cheated that wanted to kill myself. I even picked up the knife in my room, as I was about to slit my hands, Nikhil's smiling face came in front of my eyes. My Maa came in my thoughts. I threw that knife away. i howled at the utmost voice. I felt down upon my knees and tried to cocoon myself inside my body. Except tears nothing was resonating inside my room. I didn't know when i slept.

Somehow I overcame that pain within a week involving my time more towards my doctoral research. I got a job as a guest faculty in Hindu College and invested my time into teaching and doing research. I use to get up early in the morning and travel from that far to the North campus, for mine was the first class. One day when I was waiting for the U-special to return back. A guy, as usual my type, lean-thin, dusky, sharp featured, was staring at me. I passed a smile, he also gave the same in exchange. Mustering the courage i proceeded first and said, "Hi, I'm Himadri from JNU!" And what again the same. Imagine my tears and my stubborn promise to myself all goes in vain whenever i see guys of my types. I couldn't resist but to approach him. As it was a Saturday, he offered me to go along with him to his home. He stayed faraway, in a small village inside Haryana's Sonepat. As you guys know having agricultural lands over there means you are a rich guy. And he was so, but foolishly I always saw his positive side, his down-to-earth nature, his caring concerns, and all that. Soon we fell in love with each other. everyday we met after my class and his, as he as a bio-chemistry student. Soon our love grew strong. But it had to rupture as soon as it began. His elder brother found out that I was becoming too close to his younger sibling. One weekend nite after the dinner, he came to the room where I was supposed to lay with him. He insulted me in a very harsh Haryanvi tone, "Whatever you are trying to do, stop that! Otherwise you know we Jatts are famous for anything. I will murder and dug your body somewhere, even police wont be able to say anything." But I was I. How could i tolerate insult, i also gave back in harshest voice i could. I retaliated, "Bhaiya, I'm sorry but its not only my fault, and for your kind information i haven't done anything to your brother. Whatever has happened he was the one who does everything. Sorry to say but that's truth." He warned me to leave the house immediately and ordered his brother to drop me back to the border. I couldn't tolerate that i said, "You can stop me from coming here but if you can stop him from coming to my hostel, then I swear i will never turn my face to this house again." As commanded, he obeyed his elder brother and had to drop me near the border. I sat behind him on the bike, but somehow i didn't feel like hugging him even. i kept wondering why didn't he replied back. he could have said something. After all I was his friend. If he doesn't have the guts to say anything for friends, how can i expect a love affair from him. When i de-boarded his bike, he held my hands and said, "Please forgive me, I couldn't say anything to you  in front of my brother. But I swear my love for you will always be there." An excruciating pain struck me. i looked into his eyes, my feelings had died by then, I smiled with smirk at him and said, "Love! Oh I'm sorry I didn't know. I always thought its only me who loved you. If you had truly loved me, then why were you quiet when your brother was telling all those crap. I know why were you? Because I'm not a girl, beacuse my love would seem to this world a blasphemy, unnatural, abnormal. Hai na? But before I part of let me tell you one thing, never hurt any innocent love, cause if curses come out from that innocence than your god will also not be able to protect you. And thanks for the most memorable evening you gave with your family. I will never forget it. I could see the last local blue-line bus leaving and shouting. I ran to board it. The bus hardly had any passengers. I said to the conductor smilingly, "To Kashmere Gate!" I returned back to the hostel around 12 in the night. I didn't shed a tear also. I don't know why but I realized it was useless to cry over spilled milk.

But again, my body needed something, more than my body my heart yearned for that love i got from Nikhil. So my quest for love didn't stop. 

Once again, in a friend’s birthday party in Narmada Hostel, I was introduced to another guy who wasn’t from the same university. I thought that is the right man for me. The same mistakes went on repeating but this time more vigorously, as he was younger in age and a Medical aspirant. For three months innumerable times we had sex, in his room or in my hostel’s room. As if sex was everything I yearned for, his compassion made me so blind that I failed to look into the other side of the reality. Then one day, he told me he couldn’t clear his PMT exam, so planning to leave for abroad. Very naively I tried to enquire which country and all, whether he will come back ever or not. He told his dream that he wants to complete his MBBS and come back to India to practice. As I had told you guys before, that I had a huge savings which was my hard earned money, so thought of letting his dream fulfil and when he returns we will be together. Thinking like that, I helped him to get his admission in Yerevan for his MBBS. He flew off, and with that my dreams also flew off. Regular emails and chatting reduced down to weeks, and then further to months and then completely he had forgotten me. As usual I was again left amidst the sea of strangers. I felt like I did the same mistake by falling for a wrong guy and with such a short time, he ruined me entirely. But I was thankful to God that at least I had a job.

Today when I look back into these affairs, I try to find a commonality and justify my actions. They all were bisexuals and most importantly they all were from science background. Yes, even my NIkhil was an engineer. May be the ‘other’ attracts me more, being myself from humanities. But I wonder if this is natural then, why did all the three times I had to let myself be used like a doormat. I was no less than a prostitute, at least they have self-respect. I had none. All the time, my Mom came as a shield to boost me up for another battle. I remember her advising me, “See beta, life is not a picture that the way you want will be painted as. Its like a flowing river. You will pass through different landforms and every time, you will gain in mass –rather amass of experiences. You would be called wise and intelligent if you learn from the mistakes. Think them as good memories and forget what they had done to you. You will see happiness everywhere. To be frank enough beta, you don’t have to sleep with ten different men to know who is the right one for you.” I couldn’t fathom the meaning of it. Went on having itsy-bitsy affair with several guys, who where neither visitors to the cruising areas nor were they had an account in the gays websites. I thought probably it was natural, overlooking the tendency of probing deep into it.

There must be several gays like me, who has fallen for or like bisexuals or straight men. Its nothing wrong to be in an affair with someone who doesn’t belong to your sexuality, your identity. But it would be wrong to totally blame them and acclaim, “Gays are being utilized by bisexuals all the time!” I brooded over this matter several times, are they really using us? Or are we trying to create a realization of our sexual fantasy?

May be both are right case by case, depending on individual to individual. For some it may be yes, sex is what they yearn for and notionally straight men and bisexuals are good in bed. For some, it may be that they want to get sexplored by those kinda people who drive them wild into a sense of wanderlust. Whatever it is, the truth is that there is a thin line of subtlety which might look faulty from the other side of experiences, and the repeated mistakes do not anyway teach us anything. It is a fact that love makes us so vulnerable that we overlook all flaws and vices with smiles and keep on falling in love every time, expecting that something will work out. But that doesn’t happen, because expectations are not foundations of true love, if at all it exists.

As all human beings dream of, gays are no exceptions. They also dream that they will settle down with the right man who will be compassionate, caring and considerate enough to make them feel in the seventh heaven; and in pursuit of this dream to be a reality, most gays land up with screwed and faulty relationships. Then my question for for all of you is are we aping the heteronormative characteristics of settling down? Can’t we have our own ideologies of partnership? Is it necessary that we have to be ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ in a relationship? After all why do we have to have nomenclatures for every relationship? Don’t bondages exist beyond the parameters of these nomenclatures? 

FAITH --A SONNET OF LOVE

No more the leaf grow greener,
No more flowers bloom in wilderness,
No more birds chirrup around,
No more ripe fruits fall upon the ground,--
 I stand like a lifeless tree.

No more the stars shine brighter,
No more free clouds play in tranquility,
No more the sun do hide and seek,
No more full moon glow with serenity,---
 I became a pale, colourless sky.

No more the meadows have green grass,
No more rains make brooks in them,
No more lambs run merrily around,
No more shepherd's play flute,-- 
 I am now a barren terrain slope.

Still i hope a pure, rain drop will fall upon me,
I know I will be what I was, his faith enlivens me.

Time to Come out

Lots of my gay friends keep asking me this question. I actually don't know how to answer them. because every one has their own family , which is very different from the other friends of mine. so how can I come into one solution and generalize the whole answer into one. Anyway my case has been different, I can never conceptualize that sort of situation with everyone.
Let me tell you guys about my life a little bit more. My last blog RIGHT or WRONG? has dealt that with just glimpses not in details. This will be in detailed form and talk about what i underwent. 
As i told that for me my Maa had accepted her son as he was. I felt i conquered the battle as time passed by, I came across Nikhil and had fallen for him. He didn't belong to my place rather he was from some other hill-station. It was my sheer luck that we met and became friends at the very first meeting. We dispersed also, but full of pathos in each other's eyes we saw, bid a bye with the promise of keeping in touch. Like gentleman, we did keep our promise, he called me and send me letters, rather PREM PATRA. Like lover, i held that with my bosom and trying to remember everything --his face, his fragrance, his eyes, his touch.
Exchanges of letters became more frequent, as we were students we hardly called each other, moreover STD calls those days were very expensive. 
My family set up was like a feudal joint family like those of Ekta Kapoor serials. Dinner was to be taken together --both female and male members of the family --with the head of the family was supposed to be sitting at the on one chair as if his grace was what we fed upon. How can people be so harsh, the women who put so much of effort to cook different dishes of choices and likings of the males of the house are overlooked. Sarat Chandra was right, "Women work hard just to be taunted. Their industrious labor will never be returned with even gratitude. Pity on men, who has taken birth from them, but fails to look at their real effort."
As few days back my class 11 results declared me to be a horrible student and failure guy, tantrums were such that i enjoyed each of them. I laughed on my effort to flunk in science, because innately i never desired to study those horrible chemical equations, and Newton's law, and those horrendous Trigonometrical calculations. My poor brain couldn't tolerate those painful, confusing subjects. So i enjoyed the first taunt my eldest Pishi (father's sister) remarked: "Oh God! how will we show face to everyone, when tomorrow they will ask about the results! chi! What a shame! Our family person flunking in 11! chi!" To add to the spice, my kaka (father's brother) added: "How pathetic! No one in this family has done so badly! How could you? You have lost your future ---for men without science its like being disabled! What will you do know?" Everyone looked at Grandfather for some solution. He without any thought answered, "Send him to the local Bangla school, that is his only punishment!" Oh i forgot to say that i was very poor in Bangla as in Maths. But before replying everyone, I looked at my Maa, she smiled with pride and nodded her head, as if she knew everything what i was about to utter. I said, "Thanks dadu, for that decision! Don't worry, I'll never let your prodigal name go waste, not like your daughters and their husbands, who despite their education sit at home and feed themselves on our family business. I won't do that at least." I could see the abhorrence in the crooked brows of all my pishis and pishemoshais (father's brothers-in-law or his sister's husbands). 
Anyway, that day passed away with a sense of joy that at least i could reveal the right words to my dadu's ears. I was sure that what i hinted at, he got the meaning. I was enthralled about what i did. My Maa was very happy later, she kissed my forehead and wished me good luck. But her wishes were not heard probably by God. He has something  always kept in bag for everyone. with a span of two months my Birthday approached as usual, i was waiting anxiously for my beloved's Prem-Patra. Everyday, i inquired the post-man about my letters. The day before my birthday, I was sent for some errands to the local-by market. I went with dejected mood thinking that if his letter arrives i wouldn't be receiving, but Maa as always sharp-minded, she rescued my anxiety, "Beta if he sends you something special wont he sent it by registered post!" i wondered that she was probably right. Nothing arrived that day except the dinner time. 
As usual we all sat down, my father opposite to me, my kaka was on my right hand and my eldest pishamoshai on my left. my Maa was at remote side beside dadu. After chewing few morsels, Pishamoshai asked me, "Who is Nikhil?" I was shocked, with bulging eyes I looked at him then at my Maa. She avoided looking at me, I understood something horrible definitely is going to happen. I answered gulping the saliva in my mouth, "My Fr-rie-end!"
At once, Kaka slapped me hardly, my lanky body couldn't take that, i felt down from the chair. I looked with tearful eyes at him, caressing my red cheek. He screamed, "Friend! does friend send you love letters? Does your friend call you sweetheart?" He takes out greeting card and trashed it upon my face, few red rose petals scatter and flew hither and tither. Then pulling my hairs he picked me up, "Yes, now say!" It was hurting me, but now my Maa's words resonated in my ears. I said with arrogance, chewing my words, "How dare you open someone else's letter! Didn't you learn anything! You want to listen, who is Nikhil! Yes he is more than a friend to me, I love him!" He slapped me again and this time it hit me upon my lips, blood spat out. He shouted, "This is the way you talk to elders!" Everyone was looking at me being beaten and mercilessly thrashed. He saw a wooden stick nearby, he picked that up, "Today i will teach you a lesson." He was about to hit me with the stick i held it by my hand and looked at him with red bulging eyes, snatched that and threw it at one corner, wiped my flowing blood, "Dadu, is it against the family to love anyone? Tell me!" I walked to him "Tell me dadu! You married the woman you love, my father did that, even kaka did that, my pishis did that, then why? Why? Why? Why I cannot? Is it that My love is unacceptable! Am i doing anything against the family?" Kaka came and pulled me back by my collar, "Its unnatural! You need a medical treatment! And yes, we married the men and women we loved, not of the same sex. Did you get it? You are unnatural!"" Dadu wasn't replying. I had no answers for that, cause i couldn't give them a proof of the purity of my love. I looked with tearful eyes at Maa. She gets up, comes near me and hugs me, retaliates back to Kaka, "Nitu,(name of my kaka) I have given birth to my son naturally. so he isn't unnatural and everyone here, if you have problems with my son, i will go away from here again and never come back." My childhood pride showed in my incessant flowing tears, i hugged her tightly, "Maa, how will they understand the purity of love. They all love for reasons. Maa i don't need a reason to love Nikhil, neither does he. But Maa if everyone has a problem, I will leave the house and disown my family name. I don't need it."
Dadu who was silent for all this while, finally breaks his silence, "Babu, come here!" I walk to him leaving the solace of my Maa. He blesses me, "Babu, this is the time for your studies. Tomorrow you don't even know what will happen, so don't feel so assured about yourself!" I was adamant like him, " Dadu, I told you once, I will never bring bad name to this family. I swear in front of everyone. But dadu, i cannot accept what you say. I'm well assured about my love. I know even god knows that, we are true to each other." Dadu smiled but didn't say anything.
Today when i see back, I think that my coming out to the entire family would be the same way as it is for others. Everyone disowned us after my dadu expired. But as I am today established professionally, my Maa recalls and says, "Beta one doesn't need to come out to the entire family. Afterall they don't bother how you live, what they are bothered about is how they can be benefited through you. I remember what your Dadu use to say, 'This child of the family will bring HONOR and GLORY to the family name, which my children could never.' See how true he was, none of his sons are respected in the society. Thatswhy its important that you tell everything to your Maa, whatever you do, right or wrong, doesn't matter. For a mother, her child is most important."
That is what i say to everyone, understand your situation of the immediate family, realize your position, identify the suitable moment and then come out, afterall they are only respected in the society who SPEAKS THE RIGHT WORD, AT THE RIGHT TIME, AT THE RIGHT PLACE. 

Right or Wrong?

Part I
I have grown up in such an environment where the emergence of Feminism in North Bengal could be felt in its environment. All categories of women --from teachers to students, from Hindu to Muslim, from Brahmin to Dalit, from Tribal to Urban, from 6 years to 60 years, from the hills to the plains from Rajbanshis to Gorkhalis --all joined hands to fight for their spaces in their own way. Rotary then came up with the Women's branch called Innerwheel...
My Maa was elected as the significant person of Innerwheel. as i was just 3 years couldn't make out she was doing. at that same time, i was send to Boarding school. i cried on the onset, but gradually adapted to my new niche. Later when the localites of Darjeeling started talking about her in a positive way --like she runs around for opening school for children in remote villages, help the localites to get some jobs mostly males as drivers and females as new tea-plantation estates, run as a rescue team for flood-and-earthquake victim. Believe me i felt so touched and a sense of PRIDE grew deep in me. i thanked God that i'm her son...
Unfortunately things didn't run the way it was, Communist party picked up my uncle and butchered him. Grandfather had to warn Maa about her social service activities. she listened to her as an obedient Daughter-in-law and didn't revolt. I was kept unaware of all these facts. I was in class V and i was first sexually compelled by my senior for oral sex...during the vacation, when i came home, i rushed to the kitchen for i knew she would be busy there...saw my Maa and hugged her...
She narrated everything that happened to her. tears of my innocent eyes touched her stomach. the fresh aroma of her body filled in my soul. then i told my part. she just knelt down and took my nascent face upon her oily hands. Stared deep in my eyes and questioned something which i didn't know how to answer. She smiled and said, "Did you feel abominable or blissful?". I was awestruck. I nodded my to affirm her that i enjoyed the taste of it. She kept her hands upon my head and said with twinkling eys, "Beta, your battle begins now then! Dont ever lose and come back as a wounded soldier. I know how one feels when one gets defeated in a war. Always keep this in mind that your Maa is beside you."
Then what things changed drastically as the whole family came to know that i flunked Class 11 in science. Tauntrums and taunting became a part of the orthodoxy. Aboveall the family also knew that i was going around with another guy, who was then in IIT delhi. we were ostracised from the family. Economic turmoils enveloped us. i left my boarding and joined a local school to compensate my turbulence. i started taking tuitions to help my parents and my younger brother, who wanted to be a marine engineer.
Time rolled back, family took us back when my brother cracked the Marine engg exam and i cracked the JNU. Things changed.
Part 2
But another episode of life began here in Delhi. My being gay brought me across several wellwishers and heart-touching friends i started knowing about the LGBT community closely. Friends meant friends and the bondage of togetherness was far then what the reality today is. there existed a community feeling that time. all the LGBT people worked close-knittedly although there were ideological differences. but those were sorted out very candidly and amiably. i remember once i went to a cruising area in south delhi, hooked to someone, before i could get intimate with him, some unknown person from the community came rushing and said, "Guys run out, the cops are here!" we didnt think of anything all dispersed like pearls from the necklace. but within few minutes some of us met on the bus-stop and taken a free breath. i saw the guy with whom i was hooking inside. we smiled and exchanged our addresses and phone numbers (please not mobile). 
it was so enthralling to know so many people around who have the same sexual orientation. i told everything to my Maa. she adviced, "Beta, you all are like five fingers of the same palm. be close to them and if possible try to be with them whenever you can."...
Part 3
Today the scenario of physical reality has succumbed to technological devices. community feelings are VIRTUAL. Cell-phones drew the thin line between all of us. We call and say 'Hi and Bye'. friendships are also for certain time may be weeks, may be months and hardly years. togetherness and the fondness of being friends at odd times aren't there anymore. one bitches at the back of other. Envy and Wrath has enveloped all of us.
Part 4
Were our generation right or wrong? Is this Gen x right or wrong? what I feel is that, before people were tolerant to each other, but with casteism, one hated the other.  When feudalism came, lords exploited the poors. When Muslim came, religious differences strengthened the intolerance. And colonialism, British vs. the whole India. And after independence, political gimmicks lead to the borne of capitalism. Today we cant even tolerate anyone despite our caste, our region, our religion, our ethnicity, our class, and amidst all these sexuality becomes right or wrong, everyone gets confused. for example a 16 year old boy says, i'm gay, later in his mid twenties say i think i'm bisexual, later he marries a girl of his parents choice and remains happy with her. but as Mid life crises strikes him, he gets back to what he was --His attraction towards males. and how do we see him --RIGHT or WRONG?
Moral of the Story
Friends whoever you are, whatever you are just accept yourself first, recognize what you are, identify your reality and give dignity to that REAL self of yours. My Baba says, "The world respect people who have derived professional success." 

Glimpses of Life

My Family

I was born to a naive couple deeply in love, before they could realise the ruthless crudities of life. As a part of an orthodox Bengali family, my upbringing was focussed on maintaining the traditions of the prodigal lineage. But soon my mother realised to accomplish her dreams through me. At every step of my growing up, the loving couple had to confront economic hazards and tensions created compulsively by the extended family members. They were trying utterly to subdue the courage with which this loving couple faced everything. But the couple struggled through all possibilities to rear their both the male children. The ultimate sin –envy –cracked the bondage of the entire family from this loving couple. What do remain today is a dilapidated ancestral palatial house, and the broken bloodline! How unfortunate is this loving couple –who lost everything that they had, that they could consider their part of life; but their sons have made them proud to stall erect among the dust of memories!

My Education

My schooling brought several changes in my process of thinking power. Knack of literature was germinated there, by a private tutor. She taught me the lessons of morality, ethics and most important, family –all these through our series of literature texts. The beauty of refined culture proliferated in my mind and heart through these literary texts. The first book, my tutor handed over to me was illustrated version of Jane Eyre. Soon my affinity of these famous canons developed. And this attachment for literature compelled me to pursue higher studies in it. But in a family of a small town, such a desire was blasphemous blunder as all students around knew only two careers –doctors and engineers. With the help of my favourite English teacher of my school and my tutor, this desire became quite possible. My parents realised that English as a subject could easily help me to build my bright future. With their angelic blessings, I ventured into the tracks to accomplish my dream destiny. Through crests and troughs of the waves of career, I reached to one of the pioneer institutions of this country to pursue my higher studies. As I set my first foot upon its ground, I could foresee my dream becoming reality.

With each step of acquisation of educational degree of higher education, my view of literature polished. Later with passage of time, a sensitive realisation evolved for sharing my knowledge with people who dream like me. And thus, I chose teaching in university as the mode of struggling survival amidst urban economic domain. In the company of learned erudite, I started sailing in the ocean of ideas encompassed within the parameters of literature.

With hairline receding fast, my interests also varied with time. Now I've a special inkling towards queer studies and film studies. This innate propensity towards these themes leads me to several conferences –both national and international –where I came across the stalwarts of these areas. With their friendly approach, my knowledge of these areas gradually moved towards what I dreamt in my childhood.  At present I’m a faculty member with the School of Gender and Development Studies with one of the pioneer open distance learning universities of the world, leaving behind those tattered unwanted pages of life’s struggle.

My Company

Throughout the life I lead, I had company of very emotional, sensitive, intelligent and caring people. My school days were those ones where I was accompanied by all sorts to people –through them I realised what is good and what is bad. Most of them got lost in the crowd. My college days gave me the company of the girls and so everyone nicknamed me “Krishno”. As I migrated to the capital of the country, most of my school and college days friends are lost –lost in the ocean of human beings. But friends who came close to my world during my persuasion of higher studies, stayed with me as long as time permitted.  Others came to my life in this madding city from different professions of life. On one hand, doctors, technocrats, scientists, civil servants, several managers, and innumerable academicians, and on the other, clerks, accountants, and most pof the unskilled workers –consists my friend circle.

My Other Side

Today my determination of accomplishing my goal, interest for such a subject and focus of life proudly got me surrounded by loving friends, and admiring students in all those places where I have taught. But above all is the touch of love of my soul mate and the divine blessings of my caring parents showered every moment –made me live the life everyone wished for me.

All the people, who came across me, rarely had seen the other side of this Gemini. I have kept closeted from everyone. The memory of my first instance where my mother unveiled this world of mine. I was a just at the first step of my teens, my mother caught me red-handed in exploring my closeted reality. Fortunately she stood beside me to combat the entire world who would consider me far away from their world. This support of her made me the strongest human being although I’m standing alone amidst the madding crowd. Gradually my diasporic migrating from the rural space to this cosmopolitan urban set-up let me discover more about myself. With literature on one hand and my closeted reality on the other, there grew a compulsion to acquire more knowledge on this aspect of life. The book I came across from a Sunday bazaar, made my vision more widened and far-reaching. Today beside my parents, my friends and even my colleagues stand beside me for my incessant struggle for recognition to be a part of creating history.

My Creativity

But beyond this closeted and the face for the world, people who came across me unveil the real me. They realise there's a hidden writer inside me. They wanted to see more productions of my creative skills. Thus, I began jotting the free-flowing emotions deep inside my hidden world. A novel, many poems, and few short stories, poured out without any hindrance. Whatever I see around me, whether a crying baby left alone on the hands of maid, or a young man drenching himself on the first rain of the spring with wide open arms, or a small kid cleaning the dirty car in a cold chilled morning of December, or two lovers trying to fight with the entire world to prove their innocent and pure love –became the content of most of my writings.

Along with my well-wishers, my innate desire to see these compositions in a book form could never happen, due to certain inevitable economic requirements for a budding writer in my country just didn’t let this could happen. But faith on the divine power and support from all my well-wishers has incessantly kept my creativity intact. May be someday it will be a reality. Patience in me would never let this desire perish ever. As I still believe what my mom has taught me since childhood,

"Every step you tread, you reach an iota towards your dream world, and everything underneath fades away in  sands of time"