The Charm of the OTHER

I sometimes wonder is it natural or is it socio-psychological that I get attracted to a person who doesn’t belong to my sexuality, especially they are either Straights or Bisexuals? Why does this happen? And every time I had an affair, I repented for falling in love with a wrong person. Despite penitence and experiences, I still do the same mistake.

Today when I stand in front of the mirror and look back at those incidents that bruised my heart and soul, I feel to be cheated, dejected. I know  I had invested emotions with them at such an extent that blaming them would be a futile effort. You guys must be thinking what has gone wrong with Himadri today that he is blabbering like this. Ok then guys, without wasting much time of yours let me begin with my affairs first and then come to the point.

After my first better half, Nikhil, passed away in a tragic mishap, I left the country for a year to escape the trauma of his absence. Soon I returned back because the place where I escaped borne in me an alienation and loneliness to the brim. Feeling claustrophobic into an unknown world, where I was considered as a foreigner, despite being professionally profound. If I had compromised to my loneliness, I would have been a faculty by now in one of the university where I went for a project. But I couldn't sacrifice my feelings of freedom and space to that of a professional establishment. So i decided to return back.

But before leaving the country I checked in my email account. Hordes of my friends were waiting eagerly for my return. I was so excited that friends are still there who would be happy for my return. 

But dissatisfaction enveloped me when I couldn’t see anyone for receiving me at the airport. I tried to console myself by saying its around 3:30 in the night, how stupidly will i expect anyone to greet me. I still remember, from the airport I called up my Mom and said her with blissful elation, “Ma, I’m back!” She couldn’t hold her tears for she was listening to her son almost after 400 days. Why? Com'on guys, I’m talking about the year October, 2000. It had been expensive those days to make sprint ISD calls sitting abroad, and knowing my Mom she wouldn’t keep the receiver so easily. As I didn’t get much fellowship, I had to curb my expenses for some savings when I came back. Can you believe, within one year, I had managed to save around few six digits when converted into Indian currency, to some extent I had a feeling of joy to be a rich student in Jawaharlal Nehru University.

As i came back to my room, the same four walls, the same color, the same wardrobe ---everything reminded me of Nikhil. Tears was obvious to come out. I opened the balcony door and stood outside at that late night. still few hostelers were returning back to their rooms and few going out. A painful smile filled my face. I stared at the guard who was standing near the small 6 by 6 room to kep a vigilant eyes upon me. I stared at the sky above. faint translucent light could be seen. i looked at my watch, its around 4:45. the dawn is about to break. Heaving heavily  i came back to the room and laid a fresh bed sheet and went off to sleep.

When i woke up in the afternoon, i got freshened up and had my brunch in the mess at the lunch hours, thought of visiting my friends. I landed up in Jaideepda’s lab. I was introduced to a new guy from Allahabad who came for a project there. The first look of his bedazzled me. I felt happy inside, "Wow, my type! Slim, fair, tall!" i couldn't resist but became pally with him. He also reciprocated in the same manner. we went for lunch together. then he invited me to his room, the new hostel then, Mahi-Mandvi. No, no we didnt had sex then. he held my hands and we went to the balcony and watched the setting sun. He laid down his head upon my shoulders, putting his fingers in the gaps of my fingers and said, "I dont know, but I think i liked you than anyone else." An innate smile filled me inside and I replied, "Same here!" 

Then what as usual a new love story began and soon we grew very close, I mean all possible ways. I started seeing him as my life partner, despite hearing several times from him that he has a girl-friend who is back in Allahabad. I damn cared about her and his feelings, because I saw his fondness and caring for me. I had been so selfish and cruel forgetting about how she would be feeling if she comes to know about our togetherness. Despite that,  every alternative night spending on my bed with him had become a part of my life. He had a friend from his college who was also doing a project but with IIT Delhi. 

One day he came over to see me. he wanted to sahre something very urgent and important. He held my hands and dragged me beside KC, the marketing complex of JNU, and we sat down upon the stairs of the primary school there. He held me by my arms and looking straight into my eyes, said, “Himadri what are you doing?” I looked zappingly at him. He said, “Do you have any idea that he is utilizing you for all kinds of support for emotions, for sex and everything!” I was getting confused, because I knew he was a very good friend of the guy I was dating. Holding my chin with his fingers, he continued, “Please stop this! You are a genuine guy and i can understand you are in true love with him. Believe me, I'm not against your love or intruding between you two. But I can’t see that he does this to you where you will be left with no choice but to digest the horrendous reality. All of us know you what fate had done to your previous affair.” At once, HIV+ stroke my mind, because I was having unprotected sex with him, despite mustering courage I asked him, “Krishna please tell me what’s the matter? Don’t play with words!” He couldn't stare at my eyes, he hugged me and said, “Himadri, do you know that he is married?” As the words reached my ears, I became frozen. Krishna could feel my heart beats stopped pulsating for few seconds. He said, “Please I as a well-wisher telling you to move out. Believe me I can’t see you in tears anymore. You don't deserve to be treated like this.” I tired to become normal, although pretending. I left the hug and said him with twinkling eyes, "Thanks Krishna! You saved me!" He left without even meeting him. 

In the same night, when he came to my room, I didn’t say anything, as he hugged me and wanted to kiss me. I did allow him, but as his hands started moving else where, I stopped him, said, “Whom are you thinking of? Your wife?” Shockingly he jumped out of the bed, asking, “Who told you that?” Argumentatively with a harsh tone, I replied, “How does it matter! Isn’t that true? How could you cheat both of us? You shouldn’t have done this! At least once you could have thought about her, before even proceeding further. What do you think that I’m easily available and an emotional fool! Please if you are a real man and have some feelings, just leave now! I don’t you to see you again!” He tried to plead, tried to justify his actions, but I didn’t give him opportunity. He left. I felt down upon my knees and cried so much. I felt like a wounded soldier. 

I asked myself, why I had to fall for this bisexual. Weren’t there any gays? Alone inside the four walls, tears were only my best friends. I started cursing myself for all those pleasurable moments of togetherness. I felt so cheated that wanted to kill myself. I even picked up the knife in my room, as I was about to slit my hands, Nikhil's smiling face came in front of my eyes. My Maa came in my thoughts. I threw that knife away. i howled at the utmost voice. I felt down upon my knees and tried to cocoon myself inside my body. Except tears nothing was resonating inside my room. I didn't know when i slept.

Somehow I overcame that pain within a week involving my time more towards my doctoral research. I got a job as a guest faculty in Hindu College and invested my time into teaching and doing research. I use to get up early in the morning and travel from that far to the North campus, for mine was the first class. One day when I was waiting for the U-special to return back. A guy, as usual my type, lean-thin, dusky, sharp featured, was staring at me. I passed a smile, he also gave the same in exchange. Mustering the courage i proceeded first and said, "Hi, I'm Himadri from JNU!" And what again the same. Imagine my tears and my stubborn promise to myself all goes in vain whenever i see guys of my types. I couldn't resist but to approach him. As it was a Saturday, he offered me to go along with him to his home. He stayed faraway, in a small village inside Haryana's Sonepat. As you guys know having agricultural lands over there means you are a rich guy. And he was so, but foolishly I always saw his positive side, his down-to-earth nature, his caring concerns, and all that. Soon we fell in love with each other. everyday we met after my class and his, as he as a bio-chemistry student. Soon our love grew strong. But it had to rupture as soon as it began. His elder brother found out that I was becoming too close to his younger sibling. One weekend nite after the dinner, he came to the room where I was supposed to lay with him. He insulted me in a very harsh Haryanvi tone, "Whatever you are trying to do, stop that! Otherwise you know we Jatts are famous for anything. I will murder and dug your body somewhere, even police wont be able to say anything." But I was I. How could i tolerate insult, i also gave back in harshest voice i could. I retaliated, "Bhaiya, I'm sorry but its not only my fault, and for your kind information i haven't done anything to your brother. Whatever has happened he was the one who does everything. Sorry to say but that's truth." He warned me to leave the house immediately and ordered his brother to drop me back to the border. I couldn't tolerate that i said, "You can stop me from coming here but if you can stop him from coming to my hostel, then I swear i will never turn my face to this house again." As commanded, he obeyed his elder brother and had to drop me near the border. I sat behind him on the bike, but somehow i didn't feel like hugging him even. i kept wondering why didn't he replied back. he could have said something. After all I was his friend. If he doesn't have the guts to say anything for friends, how can i expect a love affair from him. When i de-boarded his bike, he held my hands and said, "Please forgive me, I couldn't say anything to you  in front of my brother. But I swear my love for you will always be there." An excruciating pain struck me. i looked into his eyes, my feelings had died by then, I smiled with smirk at him and said, "Love! Oh I'm sorry I didn't know. I always thought its only me who loved you. If you had truly loved me, then why were you quiet when your brother was telling all those crap. I know why were you? Because I'm not a girl, beacuse my love would seem to this world a blasphemy, unnatural, abnormal. Hai na? But before I part of let me tell you one thing, never hurt any innocent love, cause if curses come out from that innocence than your god will also not be able to protect you. And thanks for the most memorable evening you gave with your family. I will never forget it. I could see the last local blue-line bus leaving and shouting. I ran to board it. The bus hardly had any passengers. I said to the conductor smilingly, "To Kashmere Gate!" I returned back to the hostel around 12 in the night. I didn't shed a tear also. I don't know why but I realized it was useless to cry over spilled milk.

But again, my body needed something, more than my body my heart yearned for that love i got from Nikhil. So my quest for love didn't stop. 

Once again, in a friend’s birthday party in Narmada Hostel, I was introduced to another guy who wasn’t from the same university. I thought that is the right man for me. The same mistakes went on repeating but this time more vigorously, as he was younger in age and a Medical aspirant. For three months innumerable times we had sex, in his room or in my hostel’s room. As if sex was everything I yearned for, his compassion made me so blind that I failed to look into the other side of the reality. Then one day, he told me he couldn’t clear his PMT exam, so planning to leave for abroad. Very naively I tried to enquire which country and all, whether he will come back ever or not. He told his dream that he wants to complete his MBBS and come back to India to practice. As I had told you guys before, that I had a huge savings which was my hard earned money, so thought of letting his dream fulfil and when he returns we will be together. Thinking like that, I helped him to get his admission in Yerevan for his MBBS. He flew off, and with that my dreams also flew off. Regular emails and chatting reduced down to weeks, and then further to months and then completely he had forgotten me. As usual I was again left amidst the sea of strangers. I felt like I did the same mistake by falling for a wrong guy and with such a short time, he ruined me entirely. But I was thankful to God that at least I had a job.

Today when I look back into these affairs, I try to find a commonality and justify my actions. They all were bisexuals and most importantly they all were from science background. Yes, even my NIkhil was an engineer. May be the ‘other’ attracts me more, being myself from humanities. But I wonder if this is natural then, why did all the three times I had to let myself be used like a doormat. I was no less than a prostitute, at least they have self-respect. I had none. All the time, my Mom came as a shield to boost me up for another battle. I remember her advising me, “See beta, life is not a picture that the way you want will be painted as. Its like a flowing river. You will pass through different landforms and every time, you will gain in mass –rather amass of experiences. You would be called wise and intelligent if you learn from the mistakes. Think them as good memories and forget what they had done to you. You will see happiness everywhere. To be frank enough beta, you don’t have to sleep with ten different men to know who is the right one for you.” I couldn’t fathom the meaning of it. Went on having itsy-bitsy affair with several guys, who where neither visitors to the cruising areas nor were they had an account in the gays websites. I thought probably it was natural, overlooking the tendency of probing deep into it.

There must be several gays like me, who has fallen for or like bisexuals or straight men. Its nothing wrong to be in an affair with someone who doesn’t belong to your sexuality, your identity. But it would be wrong to totally blame them and acclaim, “Gays are being utilized by bisexuals all the time!” I brooded over this matter several times, are they really using us? Or are we trying to create a realization of our sexual fantasy?

May be both are right case by case, depending on individual to individual. For some it may be yes, sex is what they yearn for and notionally straight men and bisexuals are good in bed. For some, it may be that they want to get sexplored by those kinda people who drive them wild into a sense of wanderlust. Whatever it is, the truth is that there is a thin line of subtlety which might look faulty from the other side of experiences, and the repeated mistakes do not anyway teach us anything. It is a fact that love makes us so vulnerable that we overlook all flaws and vices with smiles and keep on falling in love every time, expecting that something will work out. But that doesn’t happen, because expectations are not foundations of true love, if at all it exists.

As all human beings dream of, gays are no exceptions. They also dream that they will settle down with the right man who will be compassionate, caring and considerate enough to make them feel in the seventh heaven; and in pursuit of this dream to be a reality, most gays land up with screwed and faulty relationships. Then my question for for all of you is are we aping the heteronormative characteristics of settling down? Can’t we have our own ideologies of partnership? Is it necessary that we have to be ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ in a relationship? After all why do we have to have nomenclatures for every relationship? Don’t bondages exist beyond the parameters of these nomenclatures?