Part I
I have grown up in such an environment where the emergence of Feminism in North Bengal could be felt in its environment. All categories of women --from teachers to students, from Hindu to Muslim, from Brahmin to Dalit, from Tribal to Urban, from 6 years to 60 years, from the hills to the plains from Rajbanshis to Gorkhalis --all joined hands to fight for their spaces in their own way. Rotary then came up with the Women's branch called Innerwheel...
My Maa was elected as the significant person of Innerwheel. as i was just 3 years couldn't make out she was doing. at that same time, i was send to Boarding school. i cried on the onset, but gradually adapted to my new niche. Later when the localites of Darjeeling started talking about her in a positive way --like she runs around for opening school for children in remote villages, help the localites to get some jobs mostly males as drivers and females as new tea-plantation estates, run as a rescue team for flood-and-earthquake victim. Believe me i felt so touched and a sense of PRIDE grew deep in me. i thanked God that i'm her son...
Unfortunately things didn't run the way it was, Communist party picked up my uncle and butchered him. Grandfather had to warn Maa about her social service activities. she listened to her as an obedient Daughter-in-law and didn't revolt. I was kept unaware of all these facts. I was in class V and i was first sexually compelled by my senior for oral sex...during the vacation, when i came home, i rushed to the kitchen for i knew she would be busy there...saw my Maa and hugged her...
She narrated everything that happened to her. tears of my innocent eyes touched her stomach. the fresh aroma of her body filled in my soul. then i told my part. she just knelt down and took my nascent face upon her oily hands. Stared deep in my eyes and questioned something which i didn't know how to answer. She smiled and said, "Did you feel abominable or blissful?". I was awestruck. I nodded my to affirm her that i enjoyed the taste of it. She kept her hands upon my head and said with twinkling eys, "Beta, your battle begins now then! Dont ever lose and come back as a wounded soldier. I know how one feels when one gets defeated in a war. Always keep this in mind that your Maa is beside you."
Then what things changed drastically as the whole family came to know that i flunked Class 11 in science. Tauntrums and taunting became a part of the orthodoxy. Aboveall the family also knew that i was going around with another guy, who was then in IIT delhi. we were ostracised from the family. Economic turmoils enveloped us. i left my boarding and joined a local school to compensate my turbulence. i started taking tuitions to help my parents and my younger brother, who wanted to be a marine engineer.
Time rolled back, family took us back when my brother cracked the Marine engg exam and i cracked the JNU. Things changed.
Part 2
But another episode of life began here in Delhi. My being gay brought me across several wellwishers and heart-touching friends i started knowing about the LGBT community closely. Friends meant friends and the bondage of togetherness was far then what the reality today is. there existed a community feeling that time. all the LGBT people worked close-knittedly although there were ideological differences. but those were sorted out very candidly and amiably. i remember once i went to a cruising area in south delhi, hooked to someone, before i could get intimate with him, some unknown person from the community came rushing and said, "Guys run out, the cops are here!" we didnt think of anything all dispersed like pearls from the necklace. but within few minutes some of us met on the bus-stop and taken a free breath. i saw the guy with whom i was hooking inside. we smiled and exchanged our addresses and phone numbers (please not mobile).
it was so enthralling to know so many people around who have the same sexual orientation. i told everything to my Maa. she adviced, "Beta, you all are like five fingers of the same palm. be close to them and if possible try to be with them whenever you can."...
Part 3
Today the scenario of physical reality has succumbed to technological devices. community feelings are VIRTUAL. Cell-phones drew the thin line between all of us. We call and say 'Hi and Bye'. friendships are also for certain time may be weeks, may be months and hardly years. togetherness and the fondness of being friends at odd times aren't there anymore. one bitches at the back of other. Envy and Wrath has enveloped all of us.
Part 4
Were our generation right or wrong? Is this Gen x right or wrong? what I feel is that, before people were tolerant to each other, but with casteism, one hated the other. When feudalism came, lords exploited the poors. When Muslim came, religious differences strengthened the intolerance. And colonialism, British vs. the whole India. And after independence, political gimmicks lead to the borne of capitalism. Today we cant even tolerate anyone despite our caste, our region, our religion, our ethnicity, our class, and amidst all these sexuality becomes right or wrong, everyone gets confused. for example a 16 year old boy says, i'm gay, later in his mid twenties say i think i'm bisexual, later he marries a girl of his parents choice and remains happy with her. but as Mid life crises strikes him, he gets back to what he was --His attraction towards males. and how do we see him --RIGHT or WRONG?
Moral of the Story
Friends whoever you are, whatever you are just accept yourself first, recognize what you are, identify your reality and give dignity to that REAL self of yours. My Baba says, "The world respect people who have derived professional success."
I have grown up in such an environment where the emergence of Feminism in North Bengal could be felt in its environment. All categories of women --from teachers to students, from Hindu to Muslim, from Brahmin to Dalit, from Tribal to Urban, from 6 years to 60 years, from the hills to the plains from Rajbanshis to Gorkhalis --all joined hands to fight for their spaces in their own way. Rotary then came up with the Women's branch called Innerwheel...
My Maa was elected as the significant person of Innerwheel. as i was just 3 years couldn't make out she was doing. at that same time, i was send to Boarding school. i cried on the onset, but gradually adapted to my new niche. Later when the localites of Darjeeling started talking about her in a positive way --like she runs around for opening school for children in remote villages, help the localites to get some jobs mostly males as drivers and females as new tea-plantation estates, run as a rescue team for flood-and-earthquake victim. Believe me i felt so touched and a sense of PRIDE grew deep in me. i thanked God that i'm her son...
Unfortunately things didn't run the way it was, Communist party picked up my uncle and butchered him. Grandfather had to warn Maa about her social service activities. she listened to her as an obedient Daughter-in-law and didn't revolt. I was kept unaware of all these facts. I was in class V and i was first sexually compelled by my senior for oral sex...during the vacation, when i came home, i rushed to the kitchen for i knew she would be busy there...saw my Maa and hugged her...
She narrated everything that happened to her. tears of my innocent eyes touched her stomach. the fresh aroma of her body filled in my soul. then i told my part. she just knelt down and took my nascent face upon her oily hands. Stared deep in my eyes and questioned something which i didn't know how to answer. She smiled and said, "Did you feel abominable or blissful?". I was awestruck. I nodded my to affirm her that i enjoyed the taste of it. She kept her hands upon my head and said with twinkling eys, "Beta, your battle begins now then! Dont ever lose and come back as a wounded soldier. I know how one feels when one gets defeated in a war. Always keep this in mind that your Maa is beside you."
Then what things changed drastically as the whole family came to know that i flunked Class 11 in science. Tauntrums and taunting became a part of the orthodoxy. Aboveall the family also knew that i was going around with another guy, who was then in IIT delhi. we were ostracised from the family. Economic turmoils enveloped us. i left my boarding and joined a local school to compensate my turbulence. i started taking tuitions to help my parents and my younger brother, who wanted to be a marine engineer.
Time rolled back, family took us back when my brother cracked the Marine engg exam and i cracked the JNU. Things changed.
Part 2
But another episode of life began here in Delhi. My being gay brought me across several wellwishers and heart-touching friends i started knowing about the LGBT community closely. Friends meant friends and the bondage of togetherness was far then what the reality today is. there existed a community feeling that time. all the LGBT people worked close-knittedly although there were ideological differences. but those were sorted out very candidly and amiably. i remember once i went to a cruising area in south delhi, hooked to someone, before i could get intimate with him, some unknown person from the community came rushing and said, "Guys run out, the cops are here!" we didnt think of anything all dispersed like pearls from the necklace. but within few minutes some of us met on the bus-stop and taken a free breath. i saw the guy with whom i was hooking inside. we smiled and exchanged our addresses and phone numbers (please not mobile).
it was so enthralling to know so many people around who have the same sexual orientation. i told everything to my Maa. she adviced, "Beta, you all are like five fingers of the same palm. be close to them and if possible try to be with them whenever you can."...
Part 3
Today the scenario of physical reality has succumbed to technological devices. community feelings are VIRTUAL. Cell-phones drew the thin line between all of us. We call and say 'Hi and Bye'. friendships are also for certain time may be weeks, may be months and hardly years. togetherness and the fondness of being friends at odd times aren't there anymore. one bitches at the back of other. Envy and Wrath has enveloped all of us.
Part 4
Were our generation right or wrong? Is this Gen x right or wrong? what I feel is that, before people were tolerant to each other, but with casteism, one hated the other. When feudalism came, lords exploited the poors. When Muslim came, religious differences strengthened the intolerance. And colonialism, British vs. the whole India. And after independence, political gimmicks lead to the borne of capitalism. Today we cant even tolerate anyone despite our caste, our region, our religion, our ethnicity, our class, and amidst all these sexuality becomes right or wrong, everyone gets confused. for example a 16 year old boy says, i'm gay, later in his mid twenties say i think i'm bisexual, later he marries a girl of his parents choice and remains happy with her. but as Mid life crises strikes him, he gets back to what he was --His attraction towards males. and how do we see him --RIGHT or WRONG?
Moral of the Story
Friends whoever you are, whatever you are just accept yourself first, recognize what you are, identify your reality and give dignity to that REAL self of yours. My Baba says, "The world respect people who have derived professional success."
Dear Himadri,
ReplyDeleteIt's really very pleasant for me to read through your creative writings where it seems that you pour down your heart without any restrictions.
However, as usual, there are a few observations you have made on which I do not bear same view in entirety. I would definitely like to discuss with you on those regards. But, since that might turn out to be a critique on your beautiful creation (and my profile is not at all eligible to criticize a literary genius and philosopher), so I would seek your permission before that.
However, I expect to read many more such proses from you.
Thank you, Himadri once again.
Santanu.